Will You Divorce Me if I Get Alzheimer's?

The book caught my eye. It opened with Scripture, and I thought I was about to read a lovely story of a husband who devotedly cared for his wife through the stages of Alzheimer's.

Instead, I read the musings of a self-aborbed man who ended up keeping his wife in a home while he lived with his mistress down the road. This was good, of course, because then he and his mistress could take care of the wife. A man has needs, after all, he explained. The children understood. It was all good. What a happy family!

When I lived in South Carolina many years ago and worked at a counseling center, one of the counselors would often speak of Robertson McQuilkin, President of Columbia Bible College, who had just resigned in order to give full time care to his wife, who had Alzheimer's.

Listen to the God-honoring thoughts of this man whose focus was serving the LORD, no matter the cost.

I never think about “what if.” I don’t think “what if” is in God’s vocabulary. So I don’t even think about what I might be doing instead of changing her diaper or what I might be doing instead of spending two hours feeding her. It’s the grace of God, I’m sure.

I don’t feel like I’ve given anything up. Our life is not the way we plot it or plan it.... All along I’ve just accepted whatever assignment the Lord gave me. This was his assignment. I know I’m not supposed to have that kind of reaction, but you asked me, and I have to be honest. I never went to a support group. I had enough of my own burdens without taking on everybody else’s. Sometimes I have accepted an invitation to speak at one of these. A lot of angry people. They’re angry at God for letting this happen—“Why me?” They’re angry at the one they care for, and then they feel guilty about it because they can’t explain why they’re angry at them.... I say, in acceptance there’s peace.

(Read the wonderful article by Randy Alcorn here.)

The truth is, a spouse doesn't just wake up one day and declare he no longer wants to take care of his sick or dying spouse. This despicable behavior happens because we are sinners in desperate need of God's grace. And even when we know Christ, there's still the daily dying to self we must do.

Have we learned to do what needs to be done even though we don't like it? Are we teaching our children that our lives center not in ourselves but in glorifying God? Are we learning in the small things to surrender our will to His so when the big things come, we're not busy throwing temper tantrums instead of submitting?

Are we teaching our daughters that commitment in marriage includes washing socks that have been left on the floor inside out, putting the top on the toothpaste for the fiftieth time, and not getting upset when the toilet paper roll isn't put on like we want it? Are we teaching our boys that marriage vows include loving the woman who used to be 30 pounds thinner before she bore you five children, the woman who used to love mountain biking and rock hopping but now prefers quiet walks?

All of these quirks pale in comparison to Alzheimer's, and yet how many divorces take place, by Christians, too, simply because of "incompatibility" issues?

The pagan does what he wants to because he believes himself accountable to no one. His goal is to glorify and satisfy himself. This is just one of the reasons we read of marriage vows that saying nothing of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." Rather we read of vows that hope for nothing but happy days, vows that attempt to leave a way out if marriage isn't all we thought it would be.

But as Christians, we are called to a different standard. We've been bought with a price, and we are not our own. We're to be obeying the Word of God, not embracing man's logic based on his desire to please himself. 

Pat Robertson's shameful declaration that a man is justified to leave his wife if she has Alzheimer's should not just remind us of the permanency and the sacredness of our marriage vows, it should also remind us that wisdom comes not from our degrees or our fame or our riches, but wisdom comes from the Word of God. Let us know His Word so well that we don't find ourselves wavering when a well known "Christian" proclaims something contrary to Scripture. Rather, let us stand firmly and say, "Thus says the Lord."

With love,