No, Look This Way, Brother

River, Geyser, or Meteor

Friendship can take different turns--it can run like a river, quietly and sustainingly through life; it can erupt like a geyser, forcefully and intermittently at times; or it can explode like a meteor, altering the atmosphere so that nothing ever looks, feels, or functions the same again.
~Ansel Adams

For Most People

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly

 loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, 

kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." 

Colossians 3:12

"Our love ought also to be patient. Our neighbor may 

have his faults—but we are taught to

 bear with one another's infirmities.

If we knew the story of men's
lives, the hidden loads and burdens which they are
often carrying, 

 the unhealed sore in their heart—we
would have most gentle patience with them. 

Life is hard for most people,

 certainly hard enough without
our adding to its burdens by our censoriousness, our
unkindness, our jeering and contempt.

~J.R. Miller

May you praise God today for all those He's given you to bear your burdens, those who weep with you and rejoice with you, those with whom you share your deepest struggles, those who faithfully show you the love of Christ, whether you're on the mountain or in the valley, those who carry you with their prayers and good words and kind deeds.

And may God grant us all that extra dose of patience, by His grace, to love and bear with those in our lives who challenge us, frustrate us, and sometimes even discourage us. When we're tempted to discard them, to be rid of them because they are thorns in our sides, because they are difficult and demanding, may we soften their hard lines and ease their heavy burdens with the sweet aroma of Christ in us. 

With love,

Trisha

The Art of Living

"The art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

~Havelock Ellis

We've been soaking up the joy of having so much snow, and we're enjoying cozy days at home, thankful for God's provision of heat and good food and many answered prayers.

And we are thrilled to announce the courtship of our dear Ink and his lovely girl, Allie. Such an exciting season of life this is for them and for us, and we are deeply grateful to the Lord for this amazing gift. 

So much living going on here. So many seasons of life intertwined. It makes me all the more thankful that God is good, and God is great.

 Claire so happy after Emma braids her hair.

Corey and Allie. Their story is so magical to me. Maybe one day they'll share how God brought them together.

 I never tire of seeing the sun rise or set here in the desert.

 Elijah's "I'm so excited!" look, after he noticed the presents on the table.

 Hugs...

 That Baby Animals book was simply shocking.

 I love finding little army men in the oddest places.

 These feet just keep growing.

Claire's in there somewhere. How thankful we are for so much snow in the past few weeks!

 One of our resident bunnies.

 Cozy home and comfort food

A Month of Thanksgiving~He'd Be Proud and Thankful

When I was making wedding plans, my Dad said, "You're getting married? You can't even make a pot of rice, but you're getting married?"

I certainly wasn't Susie Homemaker when I walked down that aisle. I've learned much along the way.

And learning to cook was a delightful way to prove my Dad wrong. Whenever he'd come visit us, I would thoughtfully prepare the menu, making sure it included comfort foods he'd love. You couldn't have given me a million dollars for the times I heard him say, "Mmm. That was good. I'll take more of that." No. His compliments were priceless, and it pleased my heart to know I had given him a bit of joy at the supper table.

I made my first homemade pie on Sunday. Apple, of course. It turned out wonderfully. I surprised myself, and I couldn't help thinking of my Dad and how much I wish he could have tasted this little wonder. I think he would have been proud...and maybe even have given me some tips.

There are lots of things I'm sure my Dad worried about when it came to my life. His enthusiasm waned a bit more with each baby announcement. Would I be ok? Would we all be ok? Could we manage?

But I know my Dad's biggest concerns were whether we'd faithfully be part of a church. Whether we'd stay grounded in the Word. Whether we'd honor Him with our lives. And that concern didn't come from a man who lived perfectly. It came from the heart of a man who knew well the struggle of doing what we don't want to do and not doing what we should.

Today is his birthday, and it's a good gift to have memories of my Dad around my dinner table. Memories of him playing chess with Ink and Jake. Memories of his laugh. Memories of his leaning over his Bible with a lighted magnifying glass just so He could read the Word each day. How sweet to have used that very tool last night to get a splinter out of Little's Bit's foot.

It's tempting to romanticize our memories of a loved one who is no longer with us. But for some of us, waxing sentimental over the past only diminishes the amazing power of the Gospel. My dad was a great sinner who needed a great, great Savior. He saw up close that horrifying truth that our hearts are desperately wicked, and unless the Holy Spirit opens our eyes and changes our hearts, we are hopeless creatures.

Yes. I'd love to have my Dad around my table one more time, to have him taste the work of my hands and a gift from my heart, to hear him say, "That's good." But what would be even more beautiful is to have him sit with us and see how good the Lord has been to us, how He has kept us, kept us living upon His grace moment by moment, kept us faithfully walking in His ways and in repentance, kept us in the love and fear of Him as He shows us we can do none of this on our own.

I think he'd be proud, and I know he'd be thankful.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you.

With love,
Trisha

A Month of Thanksgiving~Afternoon Tea, Read Alouds, and Glazed Cinnamon Scones

It's a perfect respite in the latter part of the day. It's a way to take a breath, slow down, savor the season and the children God has given you. Make a pot of tea, bake some scones, and read together.

We don't do tea time with our read aloud every day, but it's one of my goals this year to make it a regular part of our week. There is something about enjoying tea with others and stories, too, that knit hearts together and make strong memories to last for years to come.

Edith Schaeffer said this about reading aloud to our children:

"Reading together is one of the most important factors in a growing family relationship. Reading aloud is a kind of 'core' for the unity of a family."

And George Grant reminds us:

"Silent reading is a fairly modern innovation. As late as the eighteenth century, it was thought that the best way to truly appreciate the classics was to read them aloud--all the better to relish the beauty of the words, the music of the composition, and the architecture of the ideas."

Now, please don't imagine a scene where the children are quietly lined up on the couch after having QUIETLY sipped their tea and enjoyed their scones. There is a season in life for that, perhaps when all of your children are over a certain age, but in our house, tea time and read aloud are usually an adventure. And you don't have to always connect these two. Have tea. Read aloud. Just do it.

Just don't assume that it will always go smoothly. No, no, no. I don't do this because it's easy or because all of our children cooperate. I do it because it is good, and it's a way to bless our family and serve our children and celebrate His goodness. In fact, most of the things I do in a day that are worthwhile, that have lasting benefits, are challenging, accompanied by many interruptions.

Right now we're reading through The Chronicles of Narnia, and yesterday we enjoyed these scones.

Glazed Cinnamon Scones

2 c. flour
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. butter
1 egg, separated
3 T. honey
1/3 c. buttermilk

Topping:
2 T. turbinado or regular sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon

Glaze:
1 c. powdered sugar
1-3 tsp. half and half (or milk)--enough to make glaze
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Cut in butter until mixture is crumbly. Separate the egg white and yolk, saving the egg white for brushing on unbaked scones.

In a separate bowl, mix egg yolk, honey, and buttermilk. Add to dry ingredients and stir just until combined.

Form dough into a ball on a floured surface and roll or pat out to half an inch in thickness. Cut into triangles or simply use biscuit cutters. Transfer to buttered baking sheet (stoneware is great!). Whisk egg white until frothy and then brush over tops of scones. Mix 2 T. of turbinado or regular sugar with 1/2 tsp. cinnamon and sprinkle over egg-white-topped scones. Bake for 10-12 minutes. Mix together glaze ingredients and drizzle over baked scones.

Praise God for the joy of hearing "May I have another cup of tea and another scone?" and "Please! Read another chapter!" May you know this joy, too!

With love,
Trisha


***recipe from Crystal Paine of Money Saving Mom, with minor changes
***for our family, I double the recipe

Large Families and Jacob's God

The Rev. Moses Browne had twelve children. On one remarking to him, "Sir, you have just as many children as Jacob," he replied, "Yes, and I have Jacob's God to provide for them."

~G. S. Bowes, in Spurgeon's Treasury of David

******

My Mountain Man received notice that unless there's an end to this government shutdown, he'll be without work after next Friday. I've cried a lot of tears since then, and I've borrowed a bit of trouble, too, as I imagined living without his paycheck. What can we sell? What expenses can we cut? How is God calling me to repentance? How can I keep my eyes fixed on Christ and just do the next thing? How can I be a cheerful mother and an encouraging wife? Where can I get a job?

Facing a period of no income with a large family is trying in its own way. The amount of food we consume in a week, many families consume in a month. With lots of Blessings, there is usually someone who needs something right now--a new pair of shoes or a visit to the dentist or a new toothbrush.

Some large families, homeschooling families at that, are wealthy and can afford educational trips to Scotland or can build mega-sized homes debt free, but many of us struggle each month to figure out how to make the food budget stretch just a bit more.

And then there are those prejudices inherent to a child-hating society. "What?! You have all of those children, but you don't ________________." (Fill in any of the expectations our culture has of what makes for a worthy childhood.)

We think child abuse is depriving a child of extra-curricular activities or having her own designer bedroom. We equate "good parent" with one who has a college fund for each child and massive amounts of cash set aside for a rainy day.

We often expect large families to look into the future in ways we'd never ask smaller families to do--"Yes, you may have this many children as long as you can easily pay for and anticipate every need and emergency that will happen over the next 20 years. Otherwise, you are completely irresponsible."

And Christians can be the worst, for they spout about trusting in the Lord and walking by faith and not by sight, and they cry for His daily bread, but they don't really mean daily, as in having to rely on God to provide for this week's groceries or even today's car repairs. That would be foolish. What they really mean is, "The wise man has at least six months' income set aside to cover every possible emergency," and they say this as they raise their eyebrows and wonder why you have all of those children and are worrying about medical bills and how far you can make a tank of gas last.

And it's hard not to feel a bit of the shame.

Am I saying that we should all live paycheck to paycheck, that there's some greater holiness in doing so? Of course not, and there certainly isn't anything romantic about it. It can be a blessing to not have to worry each day about having "enough, " and it's a blessing to be able to give to those in need, right when they need it.

Yet, it is true that God uses both abundance and need to teach contentment and make us more like Christ. Need doesn't know what it's like to just take a trip on a whim or buy brand new living room furniture or give a thousand dollars to the visiting missionary or see in advance that the year's bills are paid, and Abundance might not know what it's like to whisper a prayer of thanks over "just enough" and rejoice over God's miraculous provision.

Yes, Jacob's God is the God of large families, too, and we can trust in His provision, whether it comes in the form of a large bank account or a small one. Whether His provision comes in knowing there's enough money for many days ahead or simply for the next couple of weeks.

And when you are tempted to despair and you hear, pounding in your head, our culture's accusations that you are irresponsible for having so many children when you don't have the next 20 years perfectly provided for (because they really do, you know), remember this:

"He gives children, not as a penalty nor as a burden, but as a favour. They are a token for good if men know how to receive them and educate them. They are 'doubtful' blessings only because we are doubtful persons. Where society is rightly ordered children are regarded, not as an incumbrance, but as an inheritance; and they are received, not with regret, but as a reward."
~Spurgeon

"...a large number of children means a large number of trials; but when these are met by faith in the Lord, it also means a mass of love, and a multitude of joys."
~Spurgeon

With love,
Trisha

How to be the Perfect Hostess and House Guest

In her book, The Shaping of a Christian Family, Elisabeth Elliot fondly recalls visiting a family and watching the couple put their children to bed. Everyone of them went cheerfully--no murmuring, no getting up again for a glass of water. It was beautiful.

If she were to visit my home, she would see little ones fight over getting to use the bathroom first or coming back out from their bedrooms to look for something they must have on their person in order to go to sleep. No doubt Mrs. Elliot would think there was work to be done, though I'm sure she would be gracious about it.

I've read many helpful hints about being a hospitable hostess or a thoughtful house guest.

Find out if there are food allergies.
Have a welcome kit.
Clean up after yourself.
Don't overstay your welcome.

But in all of my reading, I don't recall the two qualities that make the most ideal house guest and hostess.

1) Remembering life happens here and there: A house guest might expect perfection and an uptight hostess might seek perfection. Both need to remember that life happens wherever we are, and sometimes it's messy.

Often the hostess wants perfection in her table settings, her linens, her decor, and eventually, in her family. Without even realizing it, she'll try to hide that life happens in her home. This phrase came from my pastor. He reminds me of it when I'm struggling with the fact that our Littles aren't behaving in church, or one of them just climbed on a luncheon table, or is screaming in the middle of prayer or preaching. "Life happens here," he says, and it's helped me keep things in perspective not just when at church, but especially when at home.

This is a truth we have to remember when showing hospitality and when receiving it. I don't mean neglecting to clean the bathroom or teach your children manners. I do mean embracing the fact that our children will misbehave, food will get burned, little boys might forget to put the toilet lid down, and there might be stacks of papers or books and other things that reveal that this is a home and not a showroom.

2) Remembering sanctification happens daily, moment by moment, for the rest of our lives: Praise God there's not a moment when He's not making us more like Jesus. We are all a work in progress, all of the time. This means that you might have to get up in the middle of a meal and discipline a child, or your child might have to apologize for being unkind or inconsiderate. Or you might have to hold your tongue when a guest is rude or thoughtless. And on extended stays, even more sin will be exposed when Mom gets annoyed or children disobey or we get upset over the little things.

Being like Jesus to one another is at the heart of hospitality. This means extending grace to one another as we enjoy the fellowship God has set before us. What are we communicating when we expect to be or to visit the "perfect" family in a "perfect" home?

My favorite house guests are those who graciously bear with my infirmities, remembering I'm a sinner with feet of clay. And when I visit a friend and hear her yell at her child, or I watch her children fighting, or I spy a pile of laundry still not folded, I don't think, "She really needs to get it together." Instead, I thank God for another home where "life happens" and where everyone is being made more like Jesus every day.

With love,
Trisha

Keep Fighting

You're in that same place with that same child once again, and you wonder if he's ever going to learn. You realize that every time you faithfully discipline him, you're fighting. Fighting for his soul. Fighting for him to master Self, so it doesn't master him for the rest of his life. Fighting against your own weariness and discouragement. You're fighting for the unseen, and it often wears you down.

Sometimes it's hard to walk this way, the way of faith, especially when we're so goal-oriented, so motivated by what we can see and touch.

But the seeing and touching isn't always immediately possible as we disciple these tender souls God has given us. When our child has sinned and been corrected but there's no fruit or repentance, it's easy for our spirits to grow heavy, weighed down by whispers of doubt.  "When will my child learn?"

We often want to do the work of the Holy Spirit. Of course, we know we can't, but our behavior and our thoughts reflect otherwise. Can you imagine how boastful and prideful we would become, how ignorant of our own sins we would be, if we could always SEE the fruit of our labors? We would actually begin to believe that this was fruit of OUR labors instead of the work of the Spirit, the grace of God.

Heart-tending is hard work. It requires more than just making a child obey.  It requires dying to ourselves, not growing weary in doing good, forbearing in love for the sometimes oft-repeated sin.  It requires humility and an utter dependence on the LORD. It requires walking by faith and not by sight, because though God in His goodness does show us the fruit of His Spirit in our children's lives, there are many days He leaves us searching.

"The Lord will sometimes strip you of the leaves of evidence to teach you to live by faith..."~Charles Spurgeon

So today when you child just doesn't seem to get it and your heart is aching because of it, when you long to see your child delight in this amazing love Jesus has for him, but he's just not moved by it, when you weep because your precious one is refusing life-giving instruction, continue walking, my friend, continue fighting for your child. 

Guard against trading God's parenting wisdom for man's. Desperate times often lead us to unwise remedies, as our hearts echo the age-old question,"Did God really say?"

Embrace the little spurts of growth that ARE happening in your child. A kind word to a sibling? Not grumbling about the food set before him? Giving a bigger piece of pie to his sister? Giving a kind word instead of an angry one? Write it down, and praise your child accordingly. "See, this is the work of the Holy Spirit in you!" "What a testimony of God's grace!" "Isn't the power of the gospel amazing?"

Love your child and keep your heart tender towards him. Repent of any bitterness and guard against letting the tiniest bit creep in. You know better than anyone when it's there.

Get serious about praying for your child. Really serious.

Remember God's patience and goodness to you, especially if you have a sin that you repeatedly battle. Remember His many mercies poured out on you.

Be faithful to know the state of your flock. Thank God for His goodness in showing you your children's sin NOW and for the privilege of training them up in the way they should go.

And trust God, our mighty God who keeps His promises, to finish this work He has started in your child and in you.

Love,

Trisha

Exhibit E

Ink's surgery went perfectly well yesterday! Thank you for your prayers!

Here's Exhibit E--for Ebenezer, of course.

 Some information about the Nuss procedure

This wasn't an easy decision to make when we were first confronted with it. There were those who thought we were crazy to take such risks, that we were gambling with Ink's life. 

BUT GOD...I say those words a lot. But God is greater than those risks, and He's greater than my fears and doubts and circumstances. He's sovereign over all of it, and our days are in His hands, not ours. But God tells me to walk by faith and not by sight.

Three years in Ink's body, this steel bar. It's amazing to ponder it all. Really think on it. Meditate upon. Reflect. Consider.

And there was not one complication. No punctured lungs or heart. No infections. 

Oh, how little we consider how God "keeps" us! He keeps us from so many things, and we often pass by them with little thought and scanty wonder. 

So, we beg for the grace to REMEMBER, for much of the sin that we battle is there because we FORGET--forget His salvation, His goodness, His sovereign power, His mercy...I fight this amnesia every day!

What a wonder it is that this bar is part of Ink's story. It's one he'll tell his children, and the story won't start with, "Guess how brave your Daddy was when..." It will begin with, "Let me tell you about our amazing God..."

Declaring God's goodness not only brings God glory. Declaring God's goodness is a way that we love one another. I'm all for privacy, but there are many things we're not to keep to ourselves, like the display of His mercy and goodness and power in our lives. Sometimes these are the means God uses to cast that glimmer of hope into someone else's darkness.

Let me remark that if we praise God ourselves by word and life, we ought to try to bring others to praise him, too. You do not praise God, indeed, unless you want others to do so. It is a mark of sincere thankfulness that it desires others to assist it in the expression of its joy.

~C. H. Spurgeon

Thank you for rejoicing with us!

With love,

Trisha

Blessed is the Mama

Blessed is the Mama who remembers well that there are some things a baby must do for himself. 

And just to be clear, Sarge was crying FOR my spaghetti, not because of it. :)

Imagine a World in Which We All Do This

Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk  tea and scones about three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.
~Barbara Jordan




**original quote is "cookies and milk" :)

Thankful Thursday~Patterns of Mercy and Trumpets of Praise

In just over a week's time, I attended a wedding and then a funeral. The contrast was sobering, and yet beautiful, too, for God was glorified in both the new lives joined together and in the honoring of a saint who had run her race well. And as I move through days that are rich in the wonder and laughter of children, my sister cares for her husband in the quietness and heaviness of a home that smells of death.

As I watch little bodies grow and get stronger, she watches her strong husband, her protector and provider, get weaker. As I contemplate not growing weary in faithfully training up our children for His glory, she begs for grace to get through a day without falling apart.

A haunting awareness of the difference in our days clings to me, and I often swallow hard and pray for supernatural strength for my sister. For me, I ask for the grace to live fully present in each moment He's set before me, to be grateful for "normal" and "ordinary."

And in the midst of all of this, God is great, and God is good. 

I'm thankful to the Lord for a pastor who faithfully reminds us of the Gospel every single week.

I'm thankful for the fine job Emma did in sewing her first drawstring bag. I'm thankful for little children who delight in play dough, who think it's one of God's greatest creations.  I'm thankful for the good works that God works in us, that He might be glorified.

I'm thankful for colorful flowers that brighten up desert landscapes, and for children who squeal with excitement when they get to water Vincas and Petunias. I'm thankful for a yard full of puddles and mud because that means God has given us RAIN! I'm thankful for breathtaking sunsets that leave me in awe of the Lord.

I'm thankful for big sisters who love babies and for babies who giggle at the silliest of things. I'm thankful for healthy children.

I'm thankful for conversations with my sister and for the ways this affliction has deepened her walk with the Lord.

I'm thankful for difficult relationships that push us to examine our hearts and remember all that Christ has done for us, to die to self and be clothed with compassion and humility. I'm thankful for friends who patiently love me when I'm hard to love.

I'm thankful for difficult people who push us to know what we believe and why and be bold enough to say so. I'm thankful that conflict teaches us how little we fear God and how much we fear man. I'm thankful God's grace is sufficient for it all.

"Fall upon your knees, break forth into a thankful triumph of praise; let your hearts be ten-stringed instruments, to sound forth the memorial of God's mercy. None so deep in debt to free grace as you, and none should be so high mounted upon the pinnacle of thanksgiving. Say as the sweet singer; 'I will extol thee, my God, O King; every day will I bless thee, and I will praise thy name for ever' (Psalm 145:1,2). Those who are patterns of mercy should be trumpets of praise."
~Thomas Watson, All Things for Good

With love,
Trisha

Token Apologies

How fiercely our flesh resists peacemaking and confession and reconciliation. Thus, one of the best things we can teach our children is the danger of "if, but, and maybe" when dealing with an offense. One day they will be mothers and wives and fathers and husbands who will either give half-hearted, blame-shifting apologies, or they will be humble confessors of sin who call their sin what it is. The best way to teach them not to offer "token" apologies is to not offer them ourselves.

When I get angry with a child, and I must repent, I can't say, "I'm sorry I got angry with you. If you hadn't broken that dish, I wouldn't have gotten so mad. But, anyway, would you forgive me?"

No. What needs to be said is this. "I'm sorry for getting angry with you. I should have been more patient and had more self-control. Would you please forgive me?"

In his book, The Peacemaker, Ken Sande explains well why conditional apologies do little to mend breaches:

The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse your guilt. The most common way to do this is to say, "I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you." The word if ruins this confession , because it implies that you do not know whether or not you did wrong. The message you are communicating is this: "Obviously you're upset about something. I don't know that I have done anything wrong, but just to get you off my back I'll give you a token apology. By the way, since I don't know whether I have done anything wrong, I certainly don't know what I should do differently in the future. Therefore, don't expect me to change. It's only a matter of time before I do the same thing again."

Clearly, that is no confession at all. It is a superficial statement designed to get someone to stop bothering you or to transfer fault for breaking a relationship. Small wonder that genuine forgiveness rarely follows such words...

The word but is especially harmful, because it has the strange ability to cancel out all the words that precede it.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you really upset me."
"I know I was wrong, but so were you!"

Whenever statements like these are made, most people sense that the speaker believes the words following but more than those that precede it. Thus, a confession containing but rarely leads to reconciliation. The same is true when you use however, if, maybe, or any other word indicating reluctance to accept full responsibility for what you have done.
~Ken Sande

With love,
Trisha

10 Ways to Comfort A Grieving Heart

I'm not an expert on grief. While I've known the heartache of four miscarriages, and I've had family members die, my life's canvas isn't dominated by dark strokes of loss. Of course, grief is not borne out of death alone. Divorce, loss of health, aging, severed relationships, empty nests, barren wombs, and many other circumstances evoke grief. This means it will be the rare time in our lives when someone we know isn't grieving.

As a child I was insulated from death and from grief. The first funeral I attended was just four years ago, when my father-in-law died. The second was just a little over two years ago for my Dad. I didn't have my first miscarriage until I knew the joy of four children.

I can only guess what a poor comforter I was prior to those times, for experience is often a master teacher. Our own trials let us taste the comfort of God, which then allows us to better comfort others. (1 Cor. 1:3) Here are just a few of my lessons learned:

1) Listen. This is essential. Let the grieving heart share its memories and regrets and questions. Let the grieving heart tell you how great God is even in the midst of unspeakable pain. Don't listen with an agenda of telling YOUR stories. Just listen to the stories being told. 

There will be time for you to relate later how you might know what the person is feeling--that's part of comforting others with the comfort we have known-- but initially, pure listening ears are a beautiful gift to a grieving heart.

2) Banish the "But" or "Be careful little tongue what you say." While standing in the receiving line after my Dad's memorial, a woman I've never met came up to me. "I'm so sorry about your Dad, BUT it's a blessing." I'll spare you the rest of her comment and say that her idea of it being a blessing had nothing to do with the fact that my Dad was released from his body of sin and present with the LORD.

"I'm sorry your baby died, BUT at least you have other children."
"I'm sorry you lost your job, but at least you have money in the bank."

When the grief is so fresh, "I'm sorry" works just fine.

3) Remember no act of kindness is too small. As I watched people come in and out of my Mom's home after my Dad died, I was struck by the fact that each person simply did what he could. Some acts of kindness were small, and some were big, but they all were a comfort. Don't convince yourself that your offering of compassion won't matter. It does, and it leaves a soothing impression on that grieving heart.

4) Remember time is standing still for the grieving heart.  Life moves on for everyone else, but the grieving heart often struggles to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing. Ask if you can take care of phone calls or little tasks that can't wait on grief. And because time seems to stand still, remember that two years can seem like just yesterday to one who is mourning.

5) Pour out grace and patience. The grieving heart can be snippy or forgetful. It can be easily overwhelmed and tearful. It can find it hard to make decisions or commit long-term to something. Don't add to the pressure by burdening the grieving heart with YOUR expectations. 

6) Don't judge what the grieving heart does or does not do. How the grieving heart spends its time is not a proper gauge of grief. We all process the pain differently. Just because the mourner goes out to dinner, spends time on the computer, or has a "good" day, or buys a new dress, doesn't mean she's not struggling or hurting.

7) Pray, and remind the grieving heart of the tender, limitless compassion of Christ. Is there a better gift to give the grieving heart? How precious is the question, "How can I pray for you?"

8) Send a card, a real card. In an age of e-mails and texting, we've forgotten what it means to read real words across a page, words written by loving hands. This type of comfort is special joy. And cards are great months, and even years later, when others have forgotten, but the pain is still there.

9) Customize the comfort. All too often, we comfort only in a manner that appeals to us. But how is the grieving heart most comforted? With silence? With much talking? With a surprise? With planning visits ahead of time? With gifts or with words? With a meal in or a meal out? Ask "How can I best help you during this time?"

10) Sometimes a rebuke is necessary. I know. There will be those who chafe at this, but when grief consumes us, when our loss becomes the focus of our lives, then we are sinning. To stop living because we no longer have a family member in our world or because we can't have that one thing we've been praying for for years is to say that our treasure is not found in Christ, that He's insufficient, that our hope and purpose have been in something other than the God who's made us. Directing a grieving heart back to the truth of who they are in Christ is true comfort. Of course, these hard words require wisdom and prayer and come best from those closest to us, who have been beside us in our grief instead of  just showing up one day and telling us to "get over it." 

May God grant us tender hearts that honor God and love others as we weep with those who weep, pouring out real compassion that lasts longer than our initial whispers of condolence.

With love,

Trisha

**revised from a previous post written for my A Multitude of Mercies blog

Edison and the Broken Light Bulb

Loving actions can do much more than change your feelings; they can also communicate in unmistakable terms the reality of your forgiveness and your commitment to reconciliation. Thomas Edison apparently understood this principle. When he and his staff were developing the incandescent light bulb, it took hundreds of hours to manufacture a single bulb. One day, after finishing a bulb, he handed it to a young errand boy and asked him to take it upstairs to the testing room. As the boy turned and started up the stairs, he stumbled and fell, and the bulb shattered on the steps. Instead of rebuking the boy, Edison reassured him and then turned to his staff and told them to start working on another bulb. When it was completed several days later, Edison demonstrated the reality of his forgiveness in the most powerful way possible. He walked over to the same boy, handed him the bulb, and said, "Please take this up to the testing room." Imagine how that boy must have felt. He knew that he didn't deserve to be trusted with this responsibility again. Yet, here it was, being offered to him as though nothing had ever happened. Nothing could have restored this boy to the team more clearly, more quickly, or more fully. How much more should those of us who have experienced reconciliation with God be quick to demonstrate our forgiveness with concrete actions.
~Ken Sande, The Peacemaker

Thankful Thursday~Yet Today I Live

"Last night thousands of people entered eternity. Heart monitors flat-lined. Lungs ceased pulling in air. Brains that were once incredibly active went silent.

Yet today I live. Through the night my lungs continued to suck air, and my heart continued to push blood through my body. God gave me yet another day to serve Him, enjoy my family, watch a movie, drink coffee, play football, laugh with friends, and read a good book. I have one more day to prepare for eternity, one more day to store up treasures for that final day."

~Stephen Altrogge, The Greener Grass Conspiracy

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Ok. So, I won't be using another day to play football or drink coffee, but I will use it to study God's Word and read it to my family, to cook and bake, to discipline little hearts and comfort them, to drink tea and eat chocolate, to look my children in the eyes...so soak up and delight in the "glory of the ordinary." Even in the midst of health and financial concerns, of uncertainty about what seems like so many things, I can rejoice in God's goodness and mercy, in the great wonder that He has redeemed me that I might glorify and enjoy Him forever. Truly, this makes for a beautiful life.

She's A Natural

When You Think You're Not Getting Anything Out of Church

I recall one little old lady at a congregation where I served who was very sweet but had a physical problem which caused her to fall asleep whenever she sat down for any length of time. She was very embarrassed about it, and she did everything possible to stay awake. She did not enjoy coffee but she would drink it on Sunday mornings and do everything she could think of to prevent herself from sleeping. But every time she would fall asleep anyway, and she would always apologize to me afterward and tell me that she believed that the sermon had been a good one, judging from the responses she heard from other people. One day she told me, "I am going to be here every Sunday, because it is important for the young people to see that if I can come, they can come. I want to be here as an example to them. And I hope I don't fall asleep." Most of us might be tempted to laugh at the "example" she set, but in her resolve she showed a deeper understanding of the problem. She was getting very little out of worship for herself but the knowledge that she was obeying the Lord and encouraging her brothers and sisters. She received little for herself, but she gave all that was in her power to give. God blessed her and used her in mighty ways to bless the whole congregation.

The one who avoids church because he does not "get much out of it" has a fundamentally selfish and unChristian attitude. We do not worship merely to fulfill our own needs; we are there for the sake of others and to give thanks and praise to God. He deserves our presence and our hearts, whether or not He is pleased to give us anything, for He certainly is not obliged to do so. Our friends and brothers in Christ need our support in worship whether or not they are able to support us in turn. We give without expecting to receive, but the wonderful truth is that we always receive more than we give, whether we realize it or not.
~Steve Wilkins, Face to Face, Meditations on Friendship and Hospitality

The Deceptive Mathematics of Worldly Thinking

"We must not succumb to the deceptive mathematics of worldly thinking that considers the pouring out of one's life on a hidden few as a scandalous waste of one's potential."
~Kent and Barbara Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Family