10 Ways to Comfort A Grieving Heart

I'm not an expert on grief. While I've known the heartache of four miscarriages, and I've had family members die, my life's canvas isn't dominated by dark strokes of loss. Of course, grief is not borne out of death alone. Divorce, loss of health, aging, severed relationships, empty nests, barren wombs, and many other circumstances evoke grief. This means it will be the rare time in our lives when someone we know isn't grieving.

As a child I was insulated from death and from grief. The first funeral I attended was just four years ago, when my father-in-law died. The second was just a little over two years ago for my Dad. I didn't have my first miscarriage until I knew the joy of four children.

I can only guess what a poor comforter I was prior to those times, for experience is often a master teacher. Our own trials let us taste the comfort of God, which then allows us to better comfort others. (1 Cor. 1:3) Here are just a few of my lessons learned:

1) Listen. This is essential. Let the grieving heart share its memories and regrets and questions. Let the grieving heart tell you how great God is even in the midst of unspeakable pain. Don't listen with an agenda of telling YOUR stories. Just listen to the stories being told. 

There will be time for you to relate later how you might know what the person is feeling--that's part of comforting others with the comfort we have known-- but initially, pure listening ears are a beautiful gift to a grieving heart.

2) Banish the "But" or "Be careful little tongue what you say." While standing in the receiving line after my Dad's memorial, a woman I've never met came up to me. "I'm so sorry about your Dad, BUT it's a blessing." I'll spare you the rest of her comment and say that her idea of it being a blessing had nothing to do with the fact that my Dad was released from his body of sin and present with the LORD.

"I'm sorry your baby died, BUT at least you have other children."
"I'm sorry you lost your job, but at least you have money in the bank."

When the grief is so fresh, "I'm sorry" works just fine.

3) Remember no act of kindness is too small. As I watched people come in and out of my Mom's home after my Dad died, I was struck by the fact that each person simply did what he could. Some acts of kindness were small, and some were big, but they all were a comfort. Don't convince yourself that your offering of compassion won't matter. It does, and it leaves a soothing impression on that grieving heart.

4) Remember time is standing still for the grieving heart.  Life moves on for everyone else, but the grieving heart often struggles to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing. Ask if you can take care of phone calls or little tasks that can't wait on grief. And because time seems to stand still, remember that two years can seem like just yesterday to one who is mourning.

5) Pour out grace and patience. The grieving heart can be snippy or forgetful. It can be easily overwhelmed and tearful. It can find it hard to make decisions or commit long-term to something. Don't add to the pressure by burdening the grieving heart with YOUR expectations. 

6) Don't judge what the grieving heart does or does not do. How the grieving heart spends its time is not a proper gauge of grief. We all process the pain differently. Just because the mourner goes out to dinner, spends time on the computer, or has a "good" day, or buys a new dress, doesn't mean she's not struggling or hurting.

7) Pray, and remind the grieving heart of the tender, limitless compassion of Christ. Is there a better gift to give the grieving heart? How precious is the question, "How can I pray for you?"

8) Send a card, a real card. In an age of e-mails and texting, we've forgotten what it means to read real words across a page, words written by loving hands. This type of comfort is special joy. And cards are great months, and even years later, when others have forgotten, but the pain is still there.

9) Customize the comfort. All too often, we comfort only in a manner that appeals to us. But how is the grieving heart most comforted? With silence? With much talking? With a surprise? With planning visits ahead of time? With gifts or with words? With a meal in or a meal out? Ask "How can I best help you during this time?"

10) Sometimes a rebuke is necessary. I know. There will be those who chafe at this, but when grief consumes us, when our loss becomes the focus of our lives, then we are sinning. To stop living because we no longer have a family member in our world or because we can't have that one thing we've been praying for for years is to say that our treasure is not found in Christ, that He's insufficient, that our hope and purpose have been in something other than the God who's made us. Directing a grieving heart back to the truth of who they are in Christ is true comfort. Of course, these hard words require wisdom and prayer and come best from those closest to us, who have been beside us in our grief instead of  just showing up one day and telling us to "get over it." 

May God grant us tender hearts that honor God and love others as we weep with those who weep, pouring out real compassion that lasts longer than our initial whispers of condolence.

With love,

Trisha

**revised from a previous post written for my A Multitude of Mercies blog