Token Apologies

How fiercely our flesh resists peacemaking and confession and reconciliation. Thus, one of the best things we can teach our children is the danger of "if, but, and maybe" when dealing with an offense. One day they will be mothers and wives and fathers and husbands who will either give half-hearted, blame-shifting apologies, or they will be humble confessors of sin who call their sin what it is. The best way to teach them not to offer "token" apologies is to not offer them ourselves.

When I get angry with a child, and I must repent, I can't say, "I'm sorry I got angry with you. If you hadn't broken that dish, I wouldn't have gotten so mad. But, anyway, would you forgive me?"

No. What needs to be said is this. "I'm sorry for getting angry with you. I should have been more patient and had more self-control. Would you please forgive me?"

In his book, The Peacemaker, Ken Sande explains well why conditional apologies do little to mend breaches:

The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse your guilt. The most common way to do this is to say, "I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you." The word if ruins this confession , because it implies that you do not know whether or not you did wrong. The message you are communicating is this: "Obviously you're upset about something. I don't know that I have done anything wrong, but just to get you off my back I'll give you a token apology. By the way, since I don't know whether I have done anything wrong, I certainly don't know what I should do differently in the future. Therefore, don't expect me to change. It's only a matter of time before I do the same thing again."

Clearly, that is no confession at all. It is a superficial statement designed to get someone to stop bothering you or to transfer fault for breaking a relationship. Small wonder that genuine forgiveness rarely follows such words...

The word but is especially harmful, because it has the strange ability to cancel out all the words that precede it.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but you really upset me."
"I know I was wrong, but so were you!"

Whenever statements like these are made, most people sense that the speaker believes the words following but more than those that precede it. Thus, a confession containing but rarely leads to reconciliation. The same is true when you use however, if, maybe, or any other word indicating reluctance to accept full responsibility for what you have done.
~Ken Sande

With love,
Trisha