Why I Welcome Intrusive Fertility-Related Questions and Those Pats to the Pregnant Belly

I've heard plenty of rude comments and questions in my years as a mother.

"Don't you know what causes that?"
"Don't you have a television?"
"Better you than me."
"Are you done, yet?"
"Are you trying to get your own television show?"
"What are you trying for, a baseball team?" (said not so affectionately by one of our pastoral candidates)
"You must be rich to have that many children."

I know the impulse is to say, "This is really none of your business." I've been tempted to do this myself. But I've noticed a disturbing trend in a world that calls men to be effeminate and women to be the men and life to be snuffed out for convenience and the right amount of money:

The invisible pregnant woman.

I remember the attention a pregnant woman used to get. Perhaps I'm speaking of exceptions right now, but I fear my observations are becoming the norm.

Men used to defer to pregnant women. They'd let us go first. They'd open the door. I remember Target stores having special "stork" parking spaces for mothers-to-be. Women would ask questions like, "When are you due?" "Is this your first?" They'd say things like, "Congratulations!" "How wonderful!"

And yes, women would often touch the belly.

But the pregnant woman is becoming invisible. Men charge past. Women ignore. There is no wonder at the truth that another human being is growing life within her, because there is no wonder at life itself or the distinction between the sexes. This is happening even in our churches.

Feminism has declared women are no different from men and that our bodies are our own. Abortion has declared life is worthless. And every one of us will be forced at some point, feminist or not, to taste their poisonous fruits, whether it's around the dinner table when our daughters insist they want to be single and pursue their dreams and not be shackled with the burden of children, or when they're forced to give their lives on the front lines of a battlefield. We'll taste it when men let the door slam in our faces or refuse to give up their seats. We're tasting it in a multitude of ways, right here, right now.

So when others take notice that you're pregnant, rude questions or not, it is an opportunity to declare the beauty of LIFE, of God-given, God-fashioned, LIFE, and of the giving of one's life for another.

When a woman reaches out to touch your swollen belly, often she's expressing that hunger to connect in some way to this wonder, this glory, of created life, that other women and society itself have convinced her is insignificant and unnecessary.

Too many women for too long have tried to squash that God-given instinct, the hunger to be fruitful, and for some that desire will emerge at the oddest of times, like when she sees a pregnant woman next to her in the grocery store.

While I was shopping at Costco, a woman noticed Elijah. She was enamored with him. And then, this 60-something year old stranger, asked if she could hold him. It was a bit awkward, but I passed him into her arms. She then told me, "I've never had any children of my own." For her, this was a moment to embrace LIFE, and God had given me the privilege of being part of that.

In our being fruitful, we are given an opportunity to keep LIFE before the world, to keep the conversation going and direct it to His truths, to make visible what the world is trying to ignore or destroy.

Because sometimes the most powerful protests against the lies of this world are found in wearing our womanhood differently as we embrace the gift of children and answer rude questions with a smile and tolerate pregnant-belly pats cheerfully. It's found in remembering that our bodies are not our own, but are to be used for His glory, including publicly affirming the goodness of God in giving LIFE and the joy of giving up one's life for another.

With love,
Trisha



***I do not know the pain of answering hard questions about infertility or other fertility-related struggles. Obviously, my post is not addressing this. I would say, however, that even these are opportunities to point to God's sovereign care over us, our trust in Him, and the power of the gospel.

***yes, there are many ways to be fruitful, but Scripture uses the word in this way, too, "Be fruitful and multiply."

Have I Ever Told You About the Time God...

Our sweet Clairesy is FOUR today!! Happy Birthday, precious daughter! 

There's a reason this super Cutie-Pie is named Claire Jubilee. Her story is included in the Poff History of Ebenezers, Otherwise Known as an Account of the Marvelous Deeds of Their God (sounds a bit Puritanesque, doesn't it?). All of us have stories like this in our history books. The question is do we remember them? 

Matthew Henry reminds us that God's mercies aren't wonders to be mentioned and never remembered. Rather, we are to MEDITATE on them. They become the stories that start with, "Have I ever told you about the time God..." I think it's one of Satan's great victories that he's convinced us others don't want to hear us recount the marvelous deeds of the LORD, that we prefer to speak of the weather or our favorite new recipe more than of what God has done and is doing every day in our lives.

We had the joy of celebrating Claire's birthday a bit early yesterday with our Pastor and his family. Yesterday was cake. Today there will be gifts. Every day there is the reminder that God is longsuffering and abounding in mercy, that His bounty of provision and blessings and kindness are beyond counting, but that we are responsible to declare what we can of them to our children and to the world.

Take time to read her story if you don't already know it. Had the initial diagnosis come to fruition, our little Jedediah and Elijah would most likely not be here.

The Story and the Name--Part 1
The Story and the Name--Part 2

With love,
Trisha

Sweet Rolls

Delight-full

Three Weeks

"Here is a little mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God...Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother's heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, to her most tender cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blest!"
~Elizabeth Prentiss, Stepping Heavenward

In Which I Marvel Since I Cannot Measure

"Oh how great is Thy goodness, which Thou hast laid up for them that fear Thee, which Thou hast wrought for them that trust in Thee before the sons of men."

Psalm 31:19

*****

While Ink and I were doing some grocery shopping yesterday, we had a close call with another vehicle that decided to run a red light. My hesitation to turn immediately on cue quickly morphed into a prayer of thanks to the LORD for His protection. There are endless mercies that God pours out on us daily that we never even see, and then there are the ones right before us. We have an obligation to Him and to each other to declare those mercies and praise His name. It is shameful for us to let those mercies leave our minds and hearts, never flowing from our tongues or passing through our pens.

And what a difference two weeks makes! I've gone from wondering how my surgery would go and wondering if God would grant me the mercy to make it through. I've prayed much about Elijah's nursing habits and his circumcision and hospital bills and a host of other issues.

And, of course, there was that list of prayer requests I shared with you.

Spurgeon reminds us that sometimes we have no words to express our thanks to God for His goodness to us.

"...when words cannot measure we can marvel; and though we may not calculate with accuracy, we can adore with fervency."

I'm listing His benefits to me here, but I can't take a piece of my heart, this gratitude and awe that brings me to my knees and puts me in tears, and aptly offer it to you. But I pray that today you might be encouraged in even the smallest way, and years from now when my children read this, they'll be reminded of the faithful God we serve and their hearts will be strengthened and enlarged with even more love to their God.

"...there are no measures which can set forth the immeasurable goodness of Jehovah, who is goodness itself. Holy amazement uses interjections where adjectives utterly fail."

~C.H.Spurgeon

Thanks be to God for His infinite mercies:

~As my doctor was leaving the operating room, he let me know that a regular delivery would probably have had complications, since the cord was wrapped around Elijah's neck.

~The anesthesiologist who did my spinal was actually the same one who wouldn't believe I had a spinal headache after delivering Jedediah. This man put us through the wringer just to get a blood patch and only believed me after I had the procedure done. You can imagine my dread when I realized he was the doctor. BUT, this is how God turned this for good. BECAUSE I stumped him with my spinal headache last time, he was very vigilant in doing everything he could to prevent one this time around. His methods worked, and I am SO thankful not to have suffered through one of those headaches again.

~Most of my nurses were wonderful! One especially touched me with her words of praise for our large family when I realized she was battling infertility herself. Her gracious spirit was humbling and unforgettable.

~My doctor released me the next evening. I was so glad to get home so I could actually rest, but I didn't even consider how much that would save us in hospital bills. An unexpected and very welcome mercy!

~Elijah came out screaming, weighing the most of any of our babies at a whopping 7 lbs. 0.6 ounces, and scoring 9 on the Apgar. :)

~My pain management was the best I've had in all of my c-sections.

~My bladder didn't tear!

~I didn't hemorrhage, and I haven't during any of my c-sections. What a great mercy this is!

~For the first time in my history of having babies, my husband and I had a pastor, our very own pastor, to pray with us before I went into the operating room. Do you know what a gift that is? 

~Chick-Fil-A did not run out of waffle fries. :)

~I didn't get sick during the operation, but I did afterwards. HOWEVER, it lasted no where near as long as in the past.

~There were no rude remarks within hearing distance about our family size or the number of c-sections I've had.

~Elijah is healthy. All systems in order and working well. :) How I marvel when just looking at his fingers and toes and ears and his nose, and I consider that God knits all babies together so perfectly, no matter how we define "perfect."

 Emma reads to Elijah, and Elijah listens with great attention. :)

I think "naps with babies" has not been sufficiently recognized as a supreme therapy for whatever ails you.

Perhaps my biggest mercy is God's reminding me through every minute of these days at home what a gift His love and grace are. I would call myself Mama Ogress (feminine form of Ogre)...tears one minute, anger the next, and then much repentance and tears again, and much laughter and joy, too. Oh, it that what schizophrenia is? And I guess Ogres aren't usually repentant. Ok, I'll just say that I'm sure it's been an adventure to live with me and my hormones and my sin nature these past couple of weeks. What a mercy it is to have such a loving and forgiving family!

That God would save and then pour out such endless benefits on a wretch like me...

"Answered prayers are silken bonds which bind our hearts to God."

~C.H.Spurgeon

Much love,

Trisha

What 18 Years Without Birth Control Looks Like

"Not one particle of dust moves on a well-travelled road, but God raises it, directs its motion, and directs it to the specific place He appointed for it. The strongest wind cannot move it from its appointed place. Man can  be very confident that God exercises the most accurate providence over him and his affairs.

~Ezekiel Hopkins 

My goal isn't to persuade you not to use birth control, nor am I making a judgment about a particular situation or exception (because I'm well aware there is always an extreme situation or exception). I used birth control for the first several years of our marriage, though regrettably so (but that's another story). My goal is to address this foolishness that we can trust God with EVERYTHING except our wombs. And yes, I'm a woman who has battled chronic illness and other complications that some would use as reasons not to have more children. Pregnancy is not typically a walk in the park for me, so please don't assume I haven't walked in hard, faith-testing places. Please remember this before you leave comments.

 Al Mohler's past piece about Christians and birth control is an interesting one. I admire the man and respect his thoughts on many subjects. He's a much needed voice of Scriptural truth in our depraved culture. And yes, in this post, he affirms that children are a blessing and Christians need to see them that way. In general, he offers much wisdom that is not just counter-cultural, but is counter to Christian-culture. He also cautions against using abortifacient forms of birth control. But then he throws in this:

"Fourth, Christian couples are not ordered by Scripture to maximize the largest number of children that could be conceived. Given our general state of health in advanced societies, a couple who marries in their early twenties and has a healthy and regular sex life could well produce over fifteen offspring before the wife passes her early forties. Such families should be rightly honored, but this level of reproduction is certainly not mandated by the Bible."

Fifteen offspring? Wow! That's a bit scary! I can hear newlyweds around the world repeating this caution: "Honey, just imagine if we didn't use birth control. We might end up with 15 children!" 

The truth is, that's not what normally happens, and we should be cautious about assuming that every couple who renounces birth control is going to end up with a specific "level of reproduction."

When a couple is infertile, we ache for them while echoing the truth that God opens and closes the womb, reminding them to TRUST Him.  But for everyone else we encourage them to use "common sense" and not forget the birth control because though God opens and closes the womb, He might just slip up and make a mistake, giving you one too many babies or a baby when you think you're too old or you can't afford it, etc. Why not affirm that children are a gift and God does open and close the womb, and He will bless us with the very number of children His wisdom dictates?

Here's one picture of 18 years of life without birth control.

1995-son

1997-son

2000-daughter

2002-son

2003-2004-two miscarriages

2005-daughter

2007-daughter

2008-miscarriage

2009-daughter

2010-son

2011-miscarriage

2012-God-willing, another son

Let me help you picture it another way:

If some of my friends shared what marriage without birth control looked like for them, you'd see pictures without ANY children, pictures that include just a few children, and so on.

It's good for us to consider why we think the God who sovereignly and wisely controls when even a leaf or a sparrow falls to the ground or where a piece of dust blows in the wind would not just as wisely open and close our wombs. 

With love,

Trisha

32

"An architect draws his plans and makes out his specifications; even so did the great Maker of our frame write down all our members in the book of His purposes...when as yet there were none of our members in existence, all those members were before the eye of God in the sketch-book of His foreknowledge and predestination."
~C.H. Spurgeon

Quick to Gasp, Swift to Ooh, and Eager to Aah

Clairesy and Cap'n in awe of the rain coming down.

Because cameras are everywhere and computer animation is able to create ever more outlandish worlds, we say with  Solomon, "there is nothing new under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Seemingly, everything we could see, everything that could surprise, is already behind us. Unfortunately, this cynical attitude also infects our reading of Scripture. We no longer express wonder at the God who has brought the universe into existence or split seas in two. We've heard those things before--and they no longer inspire our awe.

That's not the case with children. They are built for wonder. They are fresh. Their eyes are new. They have not only not seen everything; they have seen virtually nothing at all. Better still, they know how little they are. We look at the stars God made and calls by name (Psalm 147:4) and see balls of burning gases. Our children, uninfected with such modern arrogance, see them for what they are--God's grand fireworks display--and their eyes are filled with appreciation and wonder. We adults look at a butterfly and ponder the biology of its transformation from a caterpillar and consider the mechanics of its flight. Children see the beauty of a butterfly's colors and feel the gravity-defying lightness of its gosamer wings. Children are quick to gasp, swift to ooh, and eager to aah. They see the world for what it is--a dance, not a machine.
~R.C. Sproul, Jr.
The Call to Wonder

When You Might Not Pass This Way Again

I'm 29 weeks today. Every day is a milestone for me, actually, but it's hard to believe that over 6 months ago, we found out God had given us another blessing. It's gone by way too fast.

As a first time Mom, I remember wishing the days of pregnancy away, not really appreciating them. And now, as I'm even more aware this could be the last time I know the joy of a baby's kick inside my womb or having to sleep on my side or making sure the medicine cabinet is stocked with Tums, I just want to walk this road ever so slowly.

Many women with great ease make the choice to close their wombs. They know they're done, and they never look back. Then there are Moms who close their wombs and deal with regret for many years after. There are also Moms who have their wombs closed most unexpectedly or reluctantly, because of medical emergency or husbands who don't want more children.

And then there are Moms who know the wait and wonder game. They don't know what to answer when curious minds want to know if they'll have more children, other than, "Only the LORD knows" or, "I'd love to." They don't know if they should ditch the maternity clothes or give away the baby items or if they'll ever again fall to the floor and weep with joy when those two lines appear. They wonder if they'll launder tiny onesies anymore or again wake up several times in the night to nurse a hungry baby. They wonder if they enjoyed all those gifts as much as they should have.

They do know that there will be a grieving process when their womb bears life no more (as there is for most women, except perhaps those who toss away their fertility and never look back). They know they'll beg for contented hearts. They know that most won't understand, because, after all, you have how many children and shouldn't you be grateful, even if it's one?  More importantly, they know that the LORD's timing is best, even if their hearts have to catch up with what He wills.

I was a woman who thought she wanted no children, and I was even brazen enough to say so. How God has humbled me in these past 17 years. God has shown me, through His giving and taking away, what a precious gift it is to bring a new life into the world. He's reminded me of His fatherly care of me and preservation of my life each time I'm wheeled into that operating room and come out again alive, with a precious soul to train for His glory.

He's shown me motherhood is a gift not attached to qualifications, IQ, income, done to-do lists, house size, or fulfilled dreams. It's not something in our control, though He often lets us think it is. It's a blessing to be received with open hearts and ready hands, knowing His grace extends beyond small incomes and small rooms and all the conditions we want to apply to the blessing of children before we'll define them as a blessing.

For my daughters, I hope that pregnancy, this amazing carrying and nurturing of a life, will never be commonplace to them. I pray they'll not complain about the symptoms God gives us, reminders we have life inside of us. I pray they'll not think themselves less of a mother if they have to have a c-section or give birth in a hospital, but they'll be thankful, too, if God blesses them with a natural delivery, maybe even at home. Most of all, I pray they'll joyfully welcome as many children as God gives them, be it one or ten.

Pregnancy has not been easy for me, especially the delivery part, and I thank God for that. It has taught me to deeply appreciate this gift of carrying life. It has also filled me with compassion for other women who walk a difficult road as they carry a precious baby, as well as the desire to encourage them with the truth that every ache and pain pales in comparison to the joys of motherhood. "You can do this, and God is faithful!" is my mantra.

Though I reflect even more now on whether I'll pass this way again, especially because of my age, the truth is that every pregnant woman might not pass the way of giving life again, whether she's in her first or seventh pregnancy, whether she's 23 or 43. And how hard is the truth that many women never pass this way at all. Childbearing is not to be taken for granted, and God keep us from encouraging our daughters to do so. We shouldn't assume there's always "later" or that having a baby will always come easily to us.

What we should do is treasure this gift of motherhood...the pregnancy, the labor, the pain, the tears, the disappointments, the joys, the victories, for what it is...an incredible display of the mercy and grace of God. Oh for grace upon grace to savor every moment.

With love,
Trisha

***I'm not addressing adoption or the grief of a woman who has never known the joy of having a baby. Those are entirely separate topics and ones I know I'm not qualified to speak on.

My Dinged and Dinted Body

When I first read what one Hollywood star spends each year to keep her body youthful, I was stunned. I immediately thought about what I'd do with all of that money. How shallow of her to spend so much trying to defy the curse course of aging! But there's a part of that in all of us. Every day we're surrounded by perfection as we see women in magazines or on tv or even in the supermarket. We eye other bloggers with the creamiest of complexions and the whitest of teeth, and we wonder what product we should buy next. 

Consider why Photoshop is so popular. We want to erase wrinkles and teeth stains and pimples. We'd like our necks a bit smoother and our eyes a bit brighter. Recently, one of the most beautiful pictures I've seen were of some fellow bloggers who hadn't covered their aging necks and crow's feet. I felt there was hope for me.

I know I would have been Eve taking that fruit, and perhaps I would be the woman fighting gravity if I had the means. You will find skin creams in my bathroom, after all. But I thank God for the hedges He's put around me. After having a botched up skin cancer removal and getting my first laser treatment to improve the scarring, I realized God has not given me a heart for Botox.

I lasted all of one minute under that laser and resigned myself to just living with the scar, dead center on my face. I was in tears and just couldn't imagine going through that procedure over and over. Now, I'm not a wimp. I've endured wisdom-teeth removal recovery with no pain medicine except Tylenol (the only time I've wanted to kill myself) . I've had 7 c-sections that normally begin with my saying, "I can feel that!". I've known the joy of two spinal headaches, catheters for weeks at a time, a herniated disc during pregnancy, and kidney stones. And that skin cancer surgery? Well, the numbing agent wore off at the end and the sound and feel of scissors clipping skin still haunts me.

As I was leaving the torture chamber dermatologist's office, I waited behind a woman with a thousand dollar bill for skin care procedures. She was aging, and she couldn't stand it. How strong is our hunger for youth that even as Christians we'll endure needles and lasers and more but find exercising ourselves unto godliness too much to bear.

The other day when I woke up from a nap, I discovered a new benefit of aging. I had a crease on my face that wanted to taunt me awhile. I like those other wrinkles that take a bit of time, not the ones that scream,"Elasticity deficiency! You're getting OLD! Make sure you don't sleep on your side anymore," as it disappears with a despicable cackle.

And let's add in the wear our bodies know from pregnancy and motherhood. How many women will reject the joy of giving life because they can't part with idols in the form of flat stomachs and 23 inch waists? How many mothers won't sit down to a good meal with their family because food is the enemy? How many stories aren't getting read to our babies or moments being enjoyed as a family because Mama must get her workout in and get to the tanning salon, too? How many Mamas have the loveliest manicured nails but tongues like asps?

When was the last time we heard our bodies were meant to be dinged and dinted for God's glory instead of preserved like priceless items in a museum?

"First of all, our bodies are tools, not treasures. You should not spend your days trying to preserve your body in its eighteen-year-old form. Let it be used. By the time you die, you want to have a very dinged and dinted body. Motherhood uses your body in the way that God designed it to be used. Those are the right kind of damages.

Scars and stretch marks and muffin tops are all part of your kingdom work. One of the greatest testimonies Christian women can have in our world today is the testimony of joyfully giving your body to another."

~Rachel Jankovic

Loving the Little Years

I need lots of grace to embrace my dinged and dinted body, to see it as something beautiful instead of something to be fixed or injected or lasered or peeled. It's God' s grace that reminds me I have crow's feet because I've known much laughter in my life and that I have a worn body because I've known the joy of carrying 13 babies in my womb.

It's God's grace that let's me hear, "You're beautiful" from my Beloved and not want to cringe and convince myself he's a liar. It's God's grace that reminds me sacrifice costs something, but that cost is nothing compared to the joy of living a life fully, with a dinged and dinted body but a fat soul, to the glory of God.

With love,

Trisha

I'd Like to Dance But It's a Bit Crowded in Here

Sweet Baby Boy wouldn't reveal his face to us on Monday, but we did capture his cute little legs. To my surprise, the ultrasound tech also got a glimpse of him trying to dance. Remember, he really doesn't have much room, but I think he gets an A+ for trying. :)

What a gracious gift from God to give us a just a peek of His creating hand working wonders in the womb. May those precious feet be beautiful ones that carry the life-giving truth of the gospel wherever they go.