Because Mothers Are Always On Call

“Mothers are always on call, expected to have all the answers and limitless energies. They’re supposed to do everything; it’s taken for granted. How can you be and do everything expected of you? What you need is a habitual sense of the presence of God. Think that Almighty God, who created the stars and keeps the seasons revolving in perfect rhythm, is there in your kitchen, in your bathroom, in the laundry room, in the grocery store. Mothers, be prepared for an arduous struggle. Your calling is impossible without prayer, the comfort and instruction of the Scriptures and fellowship in your church.”

~Elisabeth Elliot

Before He Leaves

She rises up 

as morning breaks

She moves among these rooms alone 

Before we wake

And her heart is so full

It overflows

She waters us with love

And the children grow

So many years from now

Long after we are gone

These trees will spread their branches out

And bless the dawn.

~Andrew Peterson, "Planting Trees"

******

I wasn't listening very well when older and wiser Mamas shared how hard the leaving would be. Perhaps as in so many cases, I thought I'd be the exception, or perhaps I simply didn't know how quickly my time would come.

His fingerprints disappeared from our walls a long time ago, and as I write this, I have approximately 63 days left with Ink. He'll start a new chapter of his life, in a different state, with beloved friends of ours. God-willing, he'll return for one last Thanksgiving and then pack up his belongings and move to the place where he'll set up his own first home.

I have a countdown clock on my computer and an ever-growing to-do list. Now, don't think me morbid; these are simply tools to help me redeem the time.

A few of the things to do before he leaves?

1) Bake more fruity snacks--pies, muffins, scones.
2) Purchase fine stationery to write him letters while he's away.
3) Take one last family picture with him.
4) Have him inscribe all of the books he's given me.
5) Send a list of his favorite things to the dear family who will be spoiling  hosting him.
6) Buy a photo album and fill it with pictures of us.
7) Watch as many movies as he wants me to over the next couple of months.
8) Snatch as many hugs as he'll let me over the next couple of months.
9) Make his favorite meals, such as seafood chowder, barbecue ribs, stuffed peppers.
10) Schedule dental cleaning.
11) Focus on any last-minute life skills.
12) Measure his height on the door jamb one last time.
13) Take a picture of him standing next to the tree we planted for him in our front yard.
14) Have his siblings write love notes to him.
15) Make a list of care package items to send him.
16) Take one last family trip together.

Samuel Johnson said, "Value is more frequently raised by scarcity than by use. That which lay neglected when it was common, rises in estimation as its quantity becomes less. We seldom learn the true want of what we have till it is discovered that we can have no more. ... There are few things, not purely evil, of which we can say, without some emotion of uneasiness: This is the last." 

How happy we are for Ink, as God has answered our prayers abundantly, in ways we could not have imagined. The leaving is on good terms and is for the embracing of good things. And yet, my heart thinks much about the "lasts" of these days, and how the leaving of one family member shifts the entire dynamic of our daily living.

As I was making my list, I was deeply grateful that there were some things I didn't need to add. These are the things that God, in his grace, has kept me doing over these past 18 years. I don't have to scramble to teach Ink about God or the Bible or the Gospel or walking in wisdom's way. I don't have to teach him to work out his salvation with fear and trembling or give thanks to God for His mercies or to repent and forgive. No doubt, we're always growing in these areas, and Ink will be challenged and afflicted as the Holy Spirit faithfully makes him more like Jesus, and there are certainly things I wish we could do over as his parents, BUT, the foundation has been laid.

Don't give up, my fellow Mamas. It's so easy to forget about eternity and live only for now. But one day you will reap the beautiful fruit of faithfulness and obedience or the rotten fruit of a life lived unto Self instead of unto Him. And though nothing is impossible with God, and He brings the prodigals home, why not be the best steward this very day and the next and the next, of these precious souls He's given you, praying that when the leaving comes, it comes with joy and thanksgiving.

With love,
Trisha

Mother Hunger and 20 Ways We Create It

"As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you..."

~Isaiah 66:13

Mother hunger. That longing for those affections that only a mother can give. Sometimes we don't even have words for it. We just know it's there.

Mother hunger is nothing new. As long as our sinful natures have been tempting us to find satisfaction in most anything except the duty God has set before us, there has been mother hunger. Our mothers might not have battled spending too much time on Facebook or responding like a Pavlovian dog to answer a cell phone every time it rang, but they might have been tempted to talk on the phone or invest in friendships at the cost of family life. Distractions are nothing new; we're just offered more choices as they take on different forms with each generation.

Here's a haunting description of mother hunger by Ingrid Trobisch:

"One summer evening when I was about twelve, I remember helping mother take down the clean dry sheets from a line strung between a hickory tree and two oaks in our backyard. All at once she stopped between sheets, put her arms around me, and gave me a squeeze. Her open expression of affection felt so good it took me by surprise. Later, when Mother and I were separated by continents, I was often warmed by the scent of fresh linens that brought the memory of her hug.

My mother surely never knew the depth of my mother-hunger. I can only wonder if I realized the depth of her affection. A process of inner healing has to take place for those who feel they've been kept at arm's distance. The expressions of love we long for from our mothers may never materialize in our lifetime."

Let's count some of the ways we keep our children at arm's distance and often create a gulf between our hearts and theirs.

1) Having favorites among our children
2) Being physically absent much of the time
3) Not confessing our sins against our children and asking for forgiveness
4) Often breaking promises
5) Putting friends, ministry, hobbies, talents, etc. before home
6) Not looking our children in the eye when speaking to them
7) Belittling their concerns or troubles
8) Being sharp-tongued and harsh
9) Pushing away their offers of affection and ignoring their need for affection
10) Treating babies like hands-off science projects to be manipulated instead of souls to be shaped
11) Being constantly distracted, noted by saying, "Uh-huh" or "Just a minute" way too much
12) Not communicating love to our children in their favorite ways--i.e. games, back scratches, gifts, reading books, etc.
13) Failing to protect them--in abusive situations and even from the everyday garbage on television and the internet
14) Reminding our children of all that we gave up to be a mother and/or to be at home with them
15) Mothering all of our children in the same way--no such thing as cookie-cutter children!
16) Often saying, "I'm busy right now, " or "We'll do it later," but then never really doing it
17) Habitually expressing criticism and disappointment instead of affirmation
18) Failing to celebrate them in the everyday and on special occasions
19) Viewing them as interruptions or inconveniences
20) Neglecting alone time with them

No, mothers cannot fill that God-shaped hole in their children's lives. But God did give children mothers for a reason. He gave us this magnificent duty of shaping souls for eternity, for His glory, and we don't have to feed on distractions that end up leaving a void in our children's lives. What hope there is in knowing that God will give us all we need to mother intentionally! His grace is sufficient! And the Holy Spirit will keep us in check when we're tempted to let distractions keep us from being there for our children. He will remind us when we need to repent. But we must be paying attention! And because distractions are a lifelong battle, let it be our prayer to be present mind, body, and spirit, for our children and take seriously the sobering and joy-filled task of training them up in the way they should go.

For those who know this mother hunger, God's grace is sufficient for this, too! He comforts us and brings healing to those childhood hurts. But let's not let our knowledge of the grace of God cause us to abuse it in our own lives, dismissing the value of a mother's love and work. Let us be there wholeheartedly for our children and know well the state of our flocks.

"No one can ever replace you in your children's lives. For them, you are the sun, the moon, the whole universe. You are your children's only mother, and if you are too often absent, harried, or preoccupied, they may yearn for you all of their lives."
~Brenda Hunter


With love,
Trisha

The Art of Living

"The art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

~Havelock Ellis

We've been soaking up the joy of having so much snow, and we're enjoying cozy days at home, thankful for God's provision of heat and good food and many answered prayers.

And we are thrilled to announce the courtship of our dear Ink and his lovely girl, Allie. Such an exciting season of life this is for them and for us, and we are deeply grateful to the Lord for this amazing gift. 

So much living going on here. So many seasons of life intertwined. It makes me all the more thankful that God is good, and God is great.

 Claire so happy after Emma braids her hair.

Corey and Allie. Their story is so magical to me. Maybe one day they'll share how God brought them together.

 I never tire of seeing the sun rise or set here in the desert.

 Elijah's "I'm so excited!" look, after he noticed the presents on the table.

 Hugs...

 That Baby Animals book was simply shocking.

 I love finding little army men in the oddest places.

 These feet just keep growing.

Claire's in there somewhere. How thankful we are for so much snow in the past few weeks!

 One of our resident bunnies.

 Cozy home and comfort food

Where It Is Impossible to Keep From Thinking About God

I was privileged, in the spring, to visit in a home that was to me--and I'm sure to the occupants--a little bit of Heaven. There was beauty there. There was a keen appreciation of the finer things of life, and an atmosphere in which it was impossible to keep from thinking of God.

The room was bright and white and clean, as well as cozy. There were many windows. Flowers were blooming in pots and vases, adding their fragrance and beauty. Books lined one wall--good books--inspiring and instructive--good books--good friends. Three bird cages hung in the brightness and color of this beautiful sanctuary, and the songsters voiced their appreciation as if their little throats would burst.

Nature's music, nature's beauty--nature's peace....It seemed to me a kind of Paradise that had wandered down, an enchanted oasis--home.
~Peter Marshall

What an extraordinary thought--that we can create a home where it is "impossible to keep from thinking about God."

Our houses need not resemble a page from House Beautiful magazine. Regardless of their size and style or our financial status, our homes can exude warmth and provide refreshment for all who walk through their doors. They should be pleasant havens for our husband and children, sanctuaries where we offer care and hospitality to other Christians, and gateways from which we extend the gospel to family, friends, and neighbors.

So I have made this my prayer: "Lord, help me to build the kind of home where all who enter find it 'impossible to keep from thinking of God.'"

Why not make this your prayer, too?
~Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal

Another Barna Poll and Women Making an Idol of Family

This poll from Barna, released over a year ago, but making its appearance again with a new article from Patheos, has me scratching my head and wondering why we're making the conclusion that women now put their families over their faith. Here's what the Barna president says about the study:

The president of Barna Group, David Kinnaman, offers this commentary on the research. “Some may interpret this research as a false choice: can women be asked to choose between their role as a parent and that of their faith? They see motherhood as core to what it means to disciple and be discipled. Others may conclude this study shows too many women have created an 'idol' of their family, perhaps at the expense of their devotion to Christ.

But then Barna states this in the study: 

Though women project a calm, confident exterior when it comes to their faith, the research suggests their spiritual lives are rarely their most important source of identity.

Can we really assert this conclusion from this study?

I'm not an expert in statistics, and I have not studied the poll at length. There are many things to discuss about it, but here are three things that stand out to me as  major concerns with this study.

1) Let's define Christian: This should be the first question with any of these Barna studies. If the pollster just asks, "Are you a Christian" or "Do you consider yourself a Christian?" without further explanation, we have a mixed bag already and perhaps we should take all Barna polls with a grain of salt.

The Patheos article seems to include Mormons as a viable option under the label Christian. No doubt  Mormons elevate family over EVERYTHING.

2) Is being a follower of Christ a "role?": How many of us think of being a Christian in these terms, or rather, do we think of the roles we have as flowing from who we are in Christ?  There is a HUGE difference between these two perspectives! I think the question is a tricky one, and that women who answer that their most important roles are being wives and mothers should not be assumed to be making an idol of their families. What if the question were posed as a multiple choice? "Out of the following roles, which do you consider most important?" No doubt we would see different results.

Consider this story from Joni Eareckson:

"What's the most important thing you do, Joni?" It was a press conference in Poland. My mind, like a computer, zipped through a list of possible answers: speaking...painting...writing...singing. I clicked off another list: campaigning against a euthanasia initiative on the state ballot, visiting cerebral palsied teenagers, delivering wheelchairs and Bibles to disabled people in Africa. 

All of this is significant to me. Especially since it means exhausting travel and long hours away from home. But what is most important to me? I smiled. Among all the options, I knew.

"Being a good wife to my husband." The group of twenty reporters chuckled. I guessed their thoughts. She can't be serious. Her books are in so many languages...she's speaking here in Poland and in other countries around the world. Surely she's being gratuitous...

Would any of us accuse Joni of putting her role as a wife before being a Christian, or is it clear to us that her role as a wife is so highly valued and made a priority BECAUSE she is a Christian and puts Jesus first?

3) Look around us: If anything betrays the assertion that Christian women have their highest priorities set on family, it's what we see before us every day. Our churches and our culture are so affected by feminism that we don't even recognize the signs anymore. I'm convinced that even many complementarians are really feminists at heart. Feminist ideology is in the air we breath, and we have to push back its lies every day and guard against their favorite question, "Did God really say?"


With love,
Trisha

How to be the Perfect Hostess and House Guest

In her book, The Shaping of a Christian Family, Elisabeth Elliot fondly recalls visiting a family and watching the couple put their children to bed. Everyone of them went cheerfully--no murmuring, no getting up again for a glass of water. It was beautiful.

If she were to visit my home, she would see little ones fight over getting to use the bathroom first or coming back out from their bedrooms to look for something they must have on their person in order to go to sleep. No doubt Mrs. Elliot would think there was work to be done, though I'm sure she would be gracious about it.

I've read many helpful hints about being a hospitable hostess or a thoughtful house guest.

Find out if there are food allergies.
Have a welcome kit.
Clean up after yourself.
Don't overstay your welcome.

But in all of my reading, I don't recall the two qualities that make the most ideal house guest and hostess.

1) Remembering life happens here and there: A house guest might expect perfection and an uptight hostess might seek perfection. Both need to remember that life happens wherever we are, and sometimes it's messy.

Often the hostess wants perfection in her table settings, her linens, her decor, and eventually, in her family. Without even realizing it, she'll try to hide that life happens in her home. This phrase came from my pastor. He reminds me of it when I'm struggling with the fact that our Littles aren't behaving in church, or one of them just climbed on a luncheon table, or is screaming in the middle of prayer or preaching. "Life happens here," he says, and it's helped me keep things in perspective not just when at church, but especially when at home.

This is a truth we have to remember when showing hospitality and when receiving it. I don't mean neglecting to clean the bathroom or teach your children manners. I do mean embracing the fact that our children will misbehave, food will get burned, little boys might forget to put the toilet lid down, and there might be stacks of papers or books and other things that reveal that this is a home and not a showroom.

2) Remembering sanctification happens daily, moment by moment, for the rest of our lives: Praise God there's not a moment when He's not making us more like Jesus. We are all a work in progress, all of the time. This means that you might have to get up in the middle of a meal and discipline a child, or your child might have to apologize for being unkind or inconsiderate. Or you might have to hold your tongue when a guest is rude or thoughtless. And on extended stays, even more sin will be exposed when Mom gets annoyed or children disobey or we get upset over the little things.

Being like Jesus to one another is at the heart of hospitality. This means extending grace to one another as we enjoy the fellowship God has set before us. What are we communicating when we expect to be or to visit the "perfect" family in a "perfect" home?

My favorite house guests are those who graciously bear with my infirmities, remembering I'm a sinner with feet of clay. And when I visit a friend and hear her yell at her child, or I watch her children fighting, or I spy a pile of laundry still not folded, I don't think, "She really needs to get it together." Instead, I thank God for another home where "life happens" and where everyone is being made more like Jesus every day.

With love,
Trisha

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, God graciously brought Elijah Henry into the world. There's a whole lot of happy going on around here today as we celebrate ONE.

(No, he's not walking, yet--but he's working on it.

 And I'm fine if he takes his sweet time.)

Mama, Have You Forgotten What Season It Is?

As I finish up planning for our new school year, I have to remind myself of this all over again. Maybe it will be an encouragement for you, too.

*****

I often think of myself as a Mommy-in-the-Middle. Yes, I'm in the middle of lots of stuff, like laughter and chaos, but I'm also the mother of children ranging in ages from 17-2, with a baby on the way. I'm a mother in the middle of several different parenting stages.

I can relate to the Mom who's navigating those unpredictable waters of adolescence, holding on tight during the turbulent days of puberty, watching with wonder the little ones' discoveries, battling self-control during toddler temper tantrums, or smiling as she hears her baby master an endless number of new words a day.

I know, simultaneously, what it is to wrestle with anxiety about your oldest ones' futures, wondering if you honored the LORD with the time you had, while fighting to be steady in training the younger ones to form good habits and obey consistently. I listen to Mumford and Sons and movie soundtracks while hearing Judy Rogers' songs and Patch the Pirate lyrics in my head.

I walk alongside the Mama who's watching her almost-grown children frame their own lives, as well as the Mama who's joyfully buying onesies for her new baby. I weep with the Mama who looks back on years of parenting and sees the grace God poured out on all of her days, while I share the secret worries of the newer Mama who wonders if there's enough grace for this day.

Sometimes the crossing over of these many phases of childhood stretches me thin, but most days its my own unrealistic expectations that weaken me.

While searching Pinterest I came across some wonderful activities for the Littles. I remembered how creative I used to be with the older ones and how detailed their early homeschooling lessons were. But that many years ago, I was the mother of two, not eight. I had less laundry, fewer dishes, less planning, fewer interruptions. It was a different stage of God's plan for my mothering. Yet, Guilt and Discontent started knocking and asking questions, and I found it hard to ignore them.

"Look what a better job you did with your older children. Why aren't you doing those same things now? Your younger ones are being deprived. Your older ones are being deprived. Maybe you've gotten lazy? What you're doing is not enough."

Ecclesiastes tells us there's a time for everything, but I often forget such wisdom includes what I do as a mother. There is a season, for all mothers, when the most reading you'll do will be from books by Mother Goose or Beatrix Potter. There is a season when you'll not tackle new projects but simply maintain order of what you have. There is a season when you'll splurge on a family vacation and a season when you'll squeak by just paying the bills. There's a season when you'll spend most of your time in correction and discipline, and a season in which you delight in the fruit of the Spirit manifested in your children.

And for some of us Mamas, our seasons overlap, and yet, they're still a season in itself.  No matter how much I long to be the same mother for my younger ones that my older ones had, I can't make that happen. It's impossible to create the same childhood for every child. I can't mother like my friends who only have little ones and spend hours on creative learning and crafts, and I can't mother like my friends who only have older children and read books at lightning speed or have more time for hobbies or volunteer work. I can only mother like a mother who has eight children of varying ages with the circumstances and resources God has set before me. Do I believe His provision is enough?

This is the kind of mothering all mothers should be doing, mothering that's mindful of the season God has gifted us. The temptation is to confuse the seasons. When our children are little, we're pursuing things that are best done when they're older. When they're older, we're holding on to what we didn't do when they were little. (Those of us who have younger and older have to fight even harder to balance it all well, and make sure we're not neglecting what is needful for the older ones AND the little ones.)

We exhaust ourselves with expectations that were meant for a season we're no longer in or for a season that hasn't yet arrived. We lose sight of God's providence because we're scrambling to duplicate, as a large family, what a small family has, or as a small family, what a large family does. We sacrifice eternal bounty for keeping up with Mama Jones, whether the keeping up is the number of books we daily read aloud or the material goods or educational opportunities we provide.

And yes, it comes down to contentment. Contentment grows as we embrace the God-ordained boundaries that are fixed to the seasons of our mothering. Contentment flourishes when we focus on His purposes for our days instead of trying to combine a life's worth of seasons into right here right now. Contentment keeps our eyes set on His faithfulness instead of our accomplishments.

Learn from other mothers in different seasons. Make notes of what you want to do when those seasons come. But rest firmly in the truth that God does give us seasons as mothers, and when we walk contentedly in His design for our days, we honor Him well in our mothering, leaving Guilt and Discontent with nothing to say.

(originally posted July 2012)

With love,

Trisha

Eight Looks Good on Her and Other Reasons This Day is Bright

Happy 8th birthday to Ella! 8 looks good on you, darling daughter! And this birthday of hers reminds me of God's mercy as I recall that after Ella's birth I was so, so ill from Crohn's that I wasn't sure if I'd ever ever walk again without a cane or know another day without enduring extreme pain. He has given me what I don't deserve, and I stand in awe of His provision.

And it's a great day all around (I know it's only 9:00, but things look very promising.)

1) Ella is 8!

2) Ink's inbox is, for the first time EVER, bigger than mine. :)

3) Today's menu includes pancakes, FRIED chicken fingers, mashed potatoes, a chocolate chip cookie stack (if I pull that birthday dessert off, well...)

4) It's the first day of our summer break!

5) We have soft water.

6) Luke is teaching Ella how to make pancakes and starts with the words: "Now for a family our size, you must double the recipe."

7) God's fed me well with His words in Isaiah.

8) I get to be home with nine of the most fabulous children and hear them argue and laugh and sing and play. I get to discipline them and encourage them and pray for them and weep for them and clothe them and feed them and clean up after them and teach them...

The past few weeks have been hard, so I'm taking the mercies of this day, this bit of a breather that the Lord has given, and I'm running with it. It's gushing water in the midst of a season in the desert, and I'm grateful for the refreshment!

With love,
Trisha

Dear Ink

My son, you know it doesn't take much for me to cry, but I wasn't prepared for the emotions I'd feel this morning when I realized it's your last day of high school. I remember agonizing over the "perfect curriculum" for you when we started our first day of school 13 years ago. It was Calvert. Expensive and more than we needed. But it made me feel like a teacher. (Because, at that point, no one reminded me that I had been your teacher from day one.)

My educational philosophy has changed greatly over the years. I could never duplicate what I did with you, for our family has changed, and I have changed. I understand so much better God's command to teach you when I rise up and when I sit down--you know, all along the way. I've surrendered those petty concerns that first consume a homeschooling mother as I see that you manage to write quite well even though you rebelled against the traditional pencil hold, and you navigate the sea of words like an expert even though I never got around to those formal writing courses. And yes, I've given up my conviction that all children should love math.

This is the moment I'd hear other mothers speak of, but because it was so far away for me, I couldn't grasp how bittersweet it would be. Those doubts are vying for attention--did we do well by you? Did we do enough?

I remember when I first whispered my concerns to you. It was an affront to you, for wondering if I had taught you well implied we weren't pleased with the man you are and continue to become. How far from true this is! But, in this sin-cursed world, guilt seems to be in the air a mother breathes, so the questions creep in, and the best weapon against them is His Word.

And His Word is where you often point me. What mother wouldn't say that her children have taught her far more than she feels she's taught them? You are no exception. You have taught me new things and reinforced those truths I already know.

You've taught me fun things, like learning to love fiction and movies and soundtracks. You've taught me that birthdays don't require cake, for pies will do just as well, if not better.

You've taught me that I second-guess myself to an extreme, and that I make hasty judgments and rulings from parent-court when I'm stressed about other things. You've taught me that two people can argue intensely about something without it coming between them, like after we've disagreed, and you say, "Hey, Mom, did you know...?"

You've taught me contentment as I've watched you cheerfully live within our means, not once complaining that our bank account wasn't bigger or that we couldn't give you more---a car, a paid-for college education, a bedroom of your own...

You've taught me submission to God's will as you've endured painful surgery and a three-year long process of healing. There was no fist-shaking from you or "why me?"

But most of all, you have taught me with your life that God is faithful and gives the increase. The grace you've extended to this wretch of a Mom, because, yes, I am, astounds me, and I know you can only give me grace because of the grace He has worked in you. John said there was no greater joy than to know his children walked in truth, God's truth, and this is our joy, too. To watch you end these high-school days as a young man who firmly grasps the truth of the gospel, who firmly clings to the truth of His Word, who loves His Savior and desires to glorify Him, is the greatest joy of our homeschooling journey with you.

God is faithful, my son. May He always find you so in whatever He calls you to do.

I love you more than you'll ever know.

Love,
Mom

Destined to Be a Preacher Man?

A few signs that Jedediah, 2 (3 on Sunday!), might be destined to be a preacher-man...

1) He has the name for it, "Pastor Jedediah Poff." Yes. It just fits.

2) He always wants to be the one to pray.

3) His favorite number is 3.

4) He likes to remind me that God gives "spankings."

5) He says to me, "I thank God for you." (How to make your mother's heart melt? Be a 2 year old who says this.)

6) He feels the need to watch over his siblings' souls (ok, that's more like being a tattletale right now, but God can use this, too).

The Many Faces of Claire

Schizophrenic and Cynical Messages About Motherhood

Do you remember the first time you were about to deliver a child? You heard from women who were very encouraging, and then there were the OTHERS. The ones who told you how horrible delivery was and then went on to the "terrible twos." Motherhood suddenly didn't seem so exciting, and your rejoicing seemed a bit premature and presumptuous.

There will always be those who offer a caution in the spirit of wisdom, when they're really just being wet blankets. They're rejecting something simply on the basis that the experience wasn't good for them. And at the heart of the matter is the fleshly impulse to make sure it's not good for you, either. Cynicism seems to be even the Christian rule of the day, clamoring to make exceptions the rule and the norm the exceptions.

This happens especially around Mother's Day. And sadly, I believe Christians are the best at making mothers feel guilty simply for being mothers. Elyse Fitzpatrick  wrote an article called Happy Daughters Day, and while it has nuggets of wisdom, it also reminds me that we often have grace for every mother in the world except the one who rejoices in being a mother and who has children who honor her even on days like Mother's Day.

Honestly, one trip around the internet is proof enough that we toss about schizophrenic messages regarding motherhood at every turn:

Yes. Children are a blessing from the Lord.
BUT, don't delight too much in that motherhood stuff. In fact, if you are, you must be making an idol of it.

Mothers are so important, and the woman who rocks the cradle rules the world.
BUT, the mother who stays at home and who has worked in the corporate world or who has a Ph. D. is an even more important mother and rocks the cradle better.

God is faithful.
BUT, He's not faithful enough to REALLY be a God to your children. Expect that most of them will walk away from the faith, and if they don't, well, you were one of the lucky ones (after we've declared somewhere else that we don't really believe in luck).

Good grief! No wonder mothers don't know if they should be rejoicing or apologizing. Singing or crying. Thanking God for the work He's doing in their children's lives or sighing with great relief that one of their children squeaked through life without much damage.

Fitzpatrick, after telling us how depressing Mother's Day is for most women and how it piles on them a load of guilt, then tells us to enjoy the "paltry bobbles" given to us by our families, and be sure to remember that those "bobbles" are nothing compared to the blood of Christ.

As though most Moms look at the handprint covered piece of manila paper as their means of salvation?

I'm thinking she meant to say "baubles," as that is "a showy, usually cheap, ornament; trinket." "Bobbles" is defined as "a small ball of fabric" and even "an error." Whatever word she wanted to use, her message is that those gifts your children or your husband bring you on Mother's Day aren't worth much. But is this how the joyful mother sees the burnt toast or the wilted wildflower or the paper mache covered flower vase? Of course, everything on this earth is a paltry bauble compared to our salvation, but does that mean we do not enjoy God's good gifts to us? 

Truly, we have become cynical about motherhood. And this cynicism is leaving many of us tongue-tied. We're scared to say motherhood is a beautiful thing lest we offend the barren woman. We're scared to share how much we enjoy it and feel blessed by it lest we're assaulted by the horror stories of other women. We're hesitant to share how our children bless us lest we be accused of making other mothers envy.

We are to bear one another's burdens. We are to be clothed in compassion. Does doing these things mean we restrain from enjoying the good gifts God has given us? Does this mean I don't enjoy the sunshine because somewhere a prisoner is in a cold, dark cell? Does this mean I don't enjoy the food God has provided because others go hungry? Does this mean I don't enjoy children dancing at my feet because a woman chose to kill the fruit of her womb? 

Then how is this grace, for is it not grace that puts food on my table when others are without? Is it not grace that kept me from hating the fruit of my womb and instead rejoicing in it? Is it not grace that lets me breathe in the fresh air and walk in the sunshine instead of rotting in a prison cell? Is it not grace that lets me rejoice  even in a money-making day like Mother's Day in a culture that is so devoid of treasuring life that at least they're still recognizing, though in a stunted way, the value of motherhood? 

Yes. Grace is also for you mothers who love being mothers and who even like Mother's Day. Enjoy whatever way your family chooses to celebrate, and thank God for the blessings He's given you. Don't apologize for being a mother or feel guilty about it. Be thankful, and let that thankfulness spill over into the lives of those around you, including the women for whom Mother's Day will be difficult. 

With love,
Trisha

When Titus 2 Women May Be Hard to Find

I watched my Emma carry Elijah outside today. She was "wearing" him, running sometimes, grinning big, simply delighting in him. She could teach me and other Moms a few things about being in the moment.

My thoughts flashed forward as I imagined her with her own children one day. The tears came as I thought of the loveliness of it all. And the tears came because I know she'll meet resistance. I might not always be there to whisper, "Well done, my daughter. Make a home for your family. Love your husband. Delight in these children. Welcome His gifts and train them up for His glory."

The tears came because I think when she's older a Titus 2 woman might be hard to find. She'll look around her, even in church, perhaps especially in church, and she'll see women who have pursued their own glory, who will tell her that for all these years, Scripture has been misunderstood, that women being home-centered, marrying and bearing children, was only a "cultural" thing that we're no longer called to because of our "freedom" in Christ Jesus.

She'll look around and find mothers who never found it God-honoring enough to wipe noses and prepare meals and disciple little hearts or wear out the carpet with their knees bowed before the Lord. She'll find the women who little valued having their children rise up and call them blessed, who instead longed to have the praise of the world, the validation and cheering on of other women, who couldn't wait to do something else to give their lives more "meaning."

She'll find women whose divided hearts have come full-circle as they embrace and dish out feminism, the Christian re-mix version, of course, sanitized, not so overtly offensive, but still reeking of self and echoing that famous question, "Did God really say?"

What happens when mothers who have already raised their children think homemaking and babies and newlyweds have nothing to do with them? When they pursue so many interests that they're never available, or they wrap themselves up so much in the study of their Bibles that their practical theology is anything but practical to the wife and mother who wants to know how to function on four hours of sleep or make a meal for 8 or heal a diaper rash or soothe a colicky baby?

There's a void. An emptiness. And all women suffer because of it.

I'm in the middle--old enough to be a Titus 2 woman to some, and yet, still needing the encouragement of older Titus 2 women. Instead of finding Titus 2 exhortations, I'm watching older women distance themselves so much from home-centered living that they recoil at the thought of teaching the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be discreet and chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God be not blasphemed.

I'm watching women dismiss our home-centered calling as they insist on blurring the distinctive roles God has given men and women, sometimes in the name of being "Gospel-focused," as though biblical womanhood is void of the Gospel dwelling in us richly.

As we age, our eyesight dims. But perhaps we need to be more concerned about losing sight of our Titus 2 responsibilities and being blinded by post-modern lies that leave us disqualified to teach the younger women.

Yes. A good Titus 2 woman might be hard to find, so what are we to do?

1) We can study what the Word says about biblical womanhood, with our daughters. Expose them to and discuss the distortions of womanhood (including the ones that declare a girl shouldn't be educated, etc.), that they would not be taken captive by man's wisdom or lean on their own understanding.

2) We can pray for God's abundant provision of Titus 2 women in our daughters' lives, women who have a love for home and who desire to share their love of sound doctrine, favorite parenting tips, and recipes or crafting skills.

3) We can give them mobile teachers, books written by sound Titus 2 authors who will encourage them when the pressure and negativity from without weighs heavy on them.

4) We can confidently teach them to be home-centered, not wavering or doubting or changing position with every new book or blog post we read. We can ground them in the Word of God and teach them well while they are with us how to manage a home, feast regularly on the Word, use their gifts to the glory of God for their families and church and community, learn new skills, love and serve others.

5) We can remind them that biblical womanhood goes against the grain, that many women, Christian women, chafe and writhe under it. They will meet resistance, and they will often feel very alone.

6) We must model contentment and joy in our own callings as wives and mothers, examining our hearts for remnants of feminist-shaped ideology that have contaminated our theology and influenced the vision of womanhood we're passing to our daughters.

7) We must remember this duty to be Titus 2 women, and be available to the younger women around us, offering them encouragement and wisdom from our years as a wife and mother. We can guard against the belief that it's holier to spend hours a day in the Word than it is to teach a younger woman how to plan meals for her family or refrain from being a busybody. (We would never think it wise of a man to neglect his work to study the Word so that he leaves his family without an income, and yet we often pressure women to do deep theological studies while their children remain unfed, the clothes aren't done, and thoughtful food prep isn't taking place. I'm not speaking of basic feasting and meditating on the Word, which is what most younger Moms only have time for.)

"It is doubtful that the Apostle Paul had in mind Bible classes or seminars or books when he spoke of teaching younger women. He meant the simple things, the everyday example, the willingness to take time from one's own concerns to pray with the anxious mother, to walk with the way of the cross--with its tremendous demands of patience, selflessness, lovingkindness--and to show her, in the ordinariness of Monday through Saturday, how to keep a quiet heart.

These lessons will come perhaps most convincingly through rocking a baby, doing some mending, cooking a supper, or cleaning a refrigerator. Through such an example, one young woman--single or married, Christian or not--may glimpse the mystery of charity and the glory of womanhood, so perfectly exemplified in the response of a humble village girl of long ago when she said: 'Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word' (Luke 1:38)."
~Elisabeth Elliot

With love,
Trisha

The Rare Time I Quote Frank Schaeffer

I haven't read any of Frank Schaeffer's books. The only one I've flipped through was sitting on a Barnes and Noble shelf. I remember reading a few pages and being  shocked and disgusted and very saddened by his lack of respect and honor for his mother (and evidently his father, too).

But these words from his recent "tribute" to his Mom stood out to me and reminded me again why I love Edith Schaeffer's The Hidden Art of Homemaking, and why we still have much to learn from her today.

My mother read me hundreds of books out loud, took me everywhere with her, provided order and beauty for her children from the mundane like scrubbing floors spotless on her knees and keeping our home orderly and clean, even when she had "no time" and was writing her book, to serving every meal I ever ate at home as a child with candles and flowers on the table and making the simplest family time an event. (Thank God we had no TV and Mom wasn't ever distracted by a cell phone or the internet from being a mother and of course her children were allowed to connect with the actual physical world hands on because we were lucky enough to grow up in the pre internet/electronic filtered age of false second hand "experiences.")
~Frank Schaeffer

Six Things That Surprised Me About Parenting Teens

Our oldest son turns 18 on Friday. Yes, his fingerprints on the wall have become fingerprints on the keyboard, as he faithfully slings the ink, the words, that leave me in wonder at the gifts God has given him.

I would love to go back to day one of becoming a Mom and know then what I know now. But I take much comfort in God's perfect pacing of my sanctification, and His wisdom and sovereign care in writing our stories.

Yet, navigating the often turbulent teen years has surprised me in quite a few ways. I expected much, but here are a few things I didn't know:

1) We'd really disagree about music and other stuff: I remember the arguments my parents had with some of my siblings over music. And rightly so. Much of the music was offensive and dishonoring to the Lord. But I just knew our children would like the same music we did and agree with us about everything else. When I realized this wasn't true, and yet, our children still honored the Lord in their choices, I stopped taking our differences personally, and began to enjoy learning from my sons.

2) It could be so hard that I would be tempted to employ the silent treatment, and other passive-aggressive soul-starving methods of non-communication: Yes. There have been times that butting heads has felt like clashing hearts, with a pain and frustration so intense that I didn't think I could bear it. Those are moments that leave you with more questions than answers and drive you to your knees as almost nothing else can. I'm grateful the Holy Spirit kept me from letting the sun go down on my wrath and has kept our hearts tender towards one another.

3) We would enjoy each other's company and talk with one another so openly: I heard so much about the teen years being that time when children shut down and shut you out, but I'm thankful to God that I have teenagers who can't stop telling me about what they're reading and learning, who let me know when I have a log in my eye, who tell me when I'm parenting inconsistently, who want to know my opinion, who make me laugh, who like being with me.

4) Perfection doesn't appear at 16, but neither does rebellion. I will be the first to tell you to teach your children first-time obedience early on. "Obedience is all the way, right away, and with a happy spirit." This is exactly what I tell our younger children. Somewhere along the way, influenced by books and other teachings, I began to equate obedience and maturity with perfection. But our children will not leave our homes perfectly sanctified. They're still pilgrims-on-the-way, just like we are. They're growing in grace, just like we are. Yet, it's easy to hold them to a different standard as we forget our own ongoing sanctification.

5) There would be so much grace and forgiveness: Satan often whispers to me in those moments when I've blown it again to just give up repenting (since I have to do it so often) and move on. Or my pride rises up and wants to justify my fleshly responses.  BUT, years of asking forgiveness and repenting before my children for having sinned against them and our God, has reaped a most beautiful only-by-the-grace-of-God thing--they do it, too. The Holy Spirit is at work in them, convicting them of sin and moving them to keep short accounts. And, oh, the GRACE they extend to me...it's simply overwhelming at times.

6) There would always be more to learn: No matter how many years you've been parenting, the learning never stops. The only thing I'm an expert at is knowing that godly parenting can't be confined to a method. Rather, it rests on His wisdom and grace and the manna that doesn't come years in advance, but rather day by day.

I have many more teen years to parent through. No doubt it will be hard. There will be more tears, and even more prayers. There will be disappointments and heartaches and perhaps many changes. But He is faithful, His mercies are new every morning, His grace is sufficient, and He has promised to finish the good work He has started in us. Thanks be to God!

With love,
Trisha

Why I Welcome Intrusive Fertility-Related Questions and Those Pats to the Pregnant Belly

I've heard plenty of rude comments and questions in my years as a mother.

"Don't you know what causes that?"
"Don't you have a television?"
"Better you than me."
"Are you done, yet?"
"Are you trying to get your own television show?"
"What are you trying for, a baseball team?" (said not so affectionately by one of our pastoral candidates)
"You must be rich to have that many children."

I know the impulse is to say, "This is really none of your business." I've been tempted to do this myself. But I've noticed a disturbing trend in a world that calls men to be effeminate and women to be the men and life to be snuffed out for convenience and the right amount of money:

The invisible pregnant woman.

I remember the attention a pregnant woman used to get. Perhaps I'm speaking of exceptions right now, but I fear my observations are becoming the norm.

Men used to defer to pregnant women. They'd let us go first. They'd open the door. I remember Target stores having special "stork" parking spaces for mothers-to-be. Women would ask questions like, "When are you due?" "Is this your first?" They'd say things like, "Congratulations!" "How wonderful!"

And yes, women would often touch the belly.

But the pregnant woman is becoming invisible. Men charge past. Women ignore. There is no wonder at the truth that another human being is growing life within her, because there is no wonder at life itself or the distinction between the sexes. This is happening even in our churches.

Feminism has declared women are no different from men and that our bodies are our own. Abortion has declared life is worthless. And every one of us will be forced at some point, feminist or not, to taste their poisonous fruits, whether it's around the dinner table when our daughters insist they want to be single and pursue their dreams and not be shackled with the burden of children, or when they're forced to give their lives on the front lines of a battlefield. We'll taste it when men let the door slam in our faces or refuse to give up their seats. We're tasting it in a multitude of ways, right here, right now.

So when others take notice that you're pregnant, rude questions or not, it is an opportunity to declare the beauty of LIFE, of God-given, God-fashioned, LIFE, and of the giving of one's life for another.

When a woman reaches out to touch your swollen belly, often she's expressing that hunger to connect in some way to this wonder, this glory, of created life, that other women and society itself have convinced her is insignificant and unnecessary.

Too many women for too long have tried to squash that God-given instinct, the hunger to be fruitful, and for some that desire will emerge at the oddest of times, like when she sees a pregnant woman next to her in the grocery store.

While I was shopping at Costco, a woman noticed Elijah. She was enamored with him. And then, this 60-something year old stranger, asked if she could hold him. It was a bit awkward, but I passed him into her arms. She then told me, "I've never had any children of my own." For her, this was a moment to embrace LIFE, and God had given me the privilege of being part of that.

In our being fruitful, we are given an opportunity to keep LIFE before the world, to keep the conversation going and direct it to His truths, to make visible what the world is trying to ignore or destroy.

Because sometimes the most powerful protests against the lies of this world are found in wearing our womanhood differently as we embrace the gift of children and answer rude questions with a smile and tolerate pregnant-belly pats cheerfully. It's found in remembering that our bodies are not our own, but are to be used for His glory, including publicly affirming the goodness of God in giving LIFE and the joy of giving up one's life for another.

With love,
Trisha



***I do not know the pain of answering hard questions about infertility or other fertility-related struggles. Obviously, my post is not addressing this. I would say, however, that even these are opportunities to point to God's sovereign care over us, our trust in Him, and the power of the gospel.

***yes, there are many ways to be fruitful, but Scripture uses the word in this way, too, "Be fruitful and multiply."

Mirth

Happy Three Months, Sarge!

Look at how much you've grown, sweet baby! Happy 3 months today!  Your cheeks are so full they jiggle on dirt roads, and you've been sporting that second chin for a while. 

You've already pushed your way out of those teenie-tiny newborn outfits, and the newborn diapers were history weeks ago. You've given me smiles over and over now, and that look you give me when I'm with you...that look! It's a look only of God's making. Your eyes light up, and your heart beats faster. And then my heart beats faster, and I wish I could just freeze that moment and go back to it years from now when I call your name and you look at me, but you're distracted by a million other things.

 "What's wrong. Haven't you ever seen such handsome chins before?"

I know it's been an ordeal finding you a nickname. Who knew it would be such a tug-of-war? Your older brothers affectionately named you "Chuckle Pig," and after some time, that name was quite endearing (and they still call you that). But, I couldn't imagine, nor could your Daddy, calling you "Chuckle Pig" when you are 5. So, Daddy, who has the privilege of bestowing nicknames anyway, chose "Sarge."  He says you look like you're ready to take command. I agree.

I think that no other time in our lives flies by so quickly as when we're watching a baby grow. I'm not a new Mama who thinks these baby days might last forever. I know very well that in the blink of an eye, you'll be a man. Your two older brothers remind me of this truth every day, and when I see those older Moms in the store, the ones with children grown up long ago, I still see that longing look in their eyes, the longing to go back and enjoy the little years again, even for just a moment. Seeing a baby fresh from God when all your babies aren't babies anymore does that to you.

And while I'm delighting in God's goodness in growing you and your siblings, I'm not eager to shoo my babies out of the nest.  I've never said, "I can't wait until ____ leaves.  I can't wait to be DONE." (Because is a parent really ever DONE?)   Instead, I look at boys becoming men and little ladies on their way to womanhood, and I have bits of regret, wishing I would have been a better reflection of Christ. I ponder the grace that has brought me thus far, and it brings me to tears and to my knees. 

But, I'm enjoying what your siblings are becoming, their lives evidences of God's grace. It is the greatest show on earth to see God at work in each one of us, making us all more like Jesus, keeping us in His tender care. Seasons are good, and right now, you're in the baby season, so I'm trying to enjoy it with every fiber of my being while savoring the toddler season, the preschooler season, the young adult season, and everything else in between. I'm praying God will etch these memories deep in my heart so time won't steal them away.

And yes.  I really am a compulsive picture taker, and perhaps the click of the camera is getting a bit old to you.  Maybe it's my way of holding on when I know I really can't hold on, but perhaps it's more my knowing that, as much as I want to remember, I'll forget just what you looked like at these different stages. 

But these pictures I take are just an earthly thing, prone to corruption, while my mothering of you leaves an impression for eternity. I pray that in the way I love you, in the way I teach you, you'll see Jesus, for your mother has such feet of clay and will disappoint you and sin against you and fail you. But He, your Savior, never will. Oh, that He would choose such a vessel to be your mother, clothing me in the righteousness of Christ and refining me ever so patiently.

You're just 3 months, but it seems like you've been with us forever. May God continue to give us the grace to love you well, reminding you every moment that you belong to Him. Because even though we love you so very, very deeply, Jesus, yes precious Jesus, loves you even more.  And I pray that you can never, ever recall a day in your life when you didn't love Him, too.


Love, 
Mommy