For Mothers of Sons: Training Up Holy Husbands

"Where are the holy men of God willing to shoulder the full responsibility of manhood, to take the risks and make the sacrifices of courting and winning a wife, marrying her and fathering children in obedience to the command to be fruitful? While the Church has been blessed by men willing to remain single for the sake of the Kingdom (and I do not regard lightly such men who are seriously called), isn't it obvious that God calls most men to marriage?"

~Elisabeth Elliot, Keep a Quiet Heart

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It's a good thing to remember, dear Mamas, that the little boy in the highchair, the one just learning to feed himself or walk or put Lego pieces together, will one day be a man, and most likely, a husband. Are we teaching them with this in mind? Do we imagine what kind of husband the fruit of our labors, by God's grace, might design? Matthew Henry reminds us that "every action is seed sown." What seeds are we sowing in our sons' lives to encourage them to one day be godly husbands and fathers?

Are we training our boys to be strong, to do their duties without murmuring and disputing? Are we selfishly coddling them and babying them so that they remain our "babies" even when they're young men? (Mothers seem especially prone to doing this with their last male child.) Do we encourage them to stick with what is known and safe, or do we cheer them on as they try new things and face defeat and discouragement?

Are we creating men who will make excuses at every turn for why they can't get a job done, as we say, "It's ok, son," and finish the job for them? Are we training up cowards who would hide behind a woman or men who will lay down their lives second by second for their wives?

Have we gotten lazy in our discipline so that our sons walk in the flesh without consequence and establish habits that will be their undoing or their family's undoing? What are we teaching them about marriage? Do we complain about our spouses or remind our sons, with much regret, of all we've given up? Or do we model repentance and forgiveness and perseverance and joy?

Are we teaching them to have a vision for marriage and family and such responsibilities, or are we encouraging them to live for Self and pursue dreams that stunt their maturity and leave them shunning commitment?

Is Christ our all in all, or have we taught them that our Christianity is just one option among many, a great crutch to have in times of trouble, perhaps, but surely nothing to live or die for? Are we grounding them in the Word, so that they're not taken captive by every false wind of doctrine, so that they know that love doesn't conquer theological differences in a marriage, that light and darkness cannot dwell together in unity?

The questions go on and on, and there are many good ones to ask. May God keep us focused and give us the grace to mindfully train up sons who will be the "holy men of God" and pursue holy women of God and make holy families of God.

With love,
Trisha


**Yes! We should be just as mindful about training up our daughters to be godly wives, but that's not what I'm addressing here. And yes, Dads play a huge part in training up sons, but I'm speaking to the moms and their influence. And yes, there are exceptions, but exceptions shouldn't determine the norm or keep us from embracing the norm.

A Month of Thanksgiving~He Still Thinks I'm Beautiful

When my Mountain Man and I were dating (yeah, we did that), I remember sitting in the car with him and realizing that he was just staring at me. I would shift a bit, blush, and then ask him what he was doing. And he would state the obvious with a few more words, which I won't share here because it would only make me blush again (and I know you can see that, right?), and it's a bit embarrassing, because I still look in the mirror and wonder what he's seeing.

But, he thought I was beautiful, and he told me so.

27 years and lots of gravitational-pull later, he still thinks I'm beautiful.

27 years.
13 pregnancies.
9 babies.
8 c-sections.
Skin cancer.

And he still thinks I'm beautiful.

In a world where 50 year old women often look like they're 30, where their bodies have been carefully preserved like fine pieces of china, and their souls have been neglected--no evidence of giving life or laughing much or eating one too many scones, no evidence of living a bit or living a lot--it's hard for women to see what their husbands see.

But, I'm convinced that one thing that makes us most beautiful to our husbands is simply believing that they really do find us beautiful, and then loving and responding to them with that belief.

The beautiful woman doesn't pull away when her husband embraces her or hide from him or make an inventory of her physical flaws when he compliments her. She rests in the grace that God has poured out on her marriage. She gratefully welcomes God's gift of a faithful husband who delights in her, even now.

The beautiful woman remembers that God has done a work on her soul and that work is beautiful. The beautiful woman remembers that the trials and hardships of marriage have reaped a deep and faithful connection with her Beloved that Botox or face peels or tummy tucks could never buy. The beautiful woman remembers that the wrinkles on her face and the wear on her body are the fruit of a live lived with the One with whom God has made her one.

Yes. Every day it's a wonder to me, and I question where my Mountain Man got those rose-colored glasses. I'm tempted to long for someone else's hair or skin or figure or peaceable spirit or quiet and gracious way--but the beauty our husbands see is what God has fashioned, it is a grace He has poured out, and the best response is to believe and say thank you.

With love,
Trisha

There's Hope Even When Your Children Know About the Cow Pies

Picture your marriage as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out into the future, and you see beautiful flowers and trees and rolling hills. And that beauty is what you see in each other. Your relationship is the field and the flowers and the rolling hills. But before long, you begin to step in cow pies. Some seasons of your marriage they may seem to be everywhere. Late at night they are especially prevalent. These are the sins and flaws and idiosyncrasies and weaknesses and annoying habits in you and in your spouse. You try to forgive them and endure them with grace.

But they have a way of dominating the relationship. It may not even be true, but sometimes it feels like that’s all there is—cow pies. Noël and I have come to believe that the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. That’s where you shovel the cow pies.

You both look at each other and simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies. But you say to each other: You know, there is more to this relationship than cow pies. And we are losing sight of that because we keep focusing on these cow pies. Let’s throw them all in the compost pile. When we have to, we will go there and smell it and feel bad and deal with it the best we can. And then we are going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of the field. We will pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we will be thankful for the part of the field that is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs may ache from all the shoveling. But one thing we know: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. We will only go there when we must. This is a gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again—because we are chosen and holy and loved.

~John Piper, This Momentary Marriage

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Today my Mountain Man and I celebrate 26 years of marriage. It really does seem like just yesterday when we said, "I do." In my many years of reading, I've come across some godly authors who never remember their parents fighting. Such an admirable thing it is! 

But that's not my memory, and, sadly, it won't be my children's, either. My children have too often heard me speak of the cow pies of our married life. And I'm surely not going to romanticize the cow pies to you and call them "beautiful ugly" or something like that. The cow pies are what make marriages so hard. They wound us, and they expose our selfishness. Sometimes they even seem too much to bear.

But God sustains us. God keeps us from pitching our tent, as Piper says, near the compost pile, and He keeps us from tearing down our tent altogether.

And because God is the one who keeps us, I have hope that even though our children can't say they've never seen or heard us fight or argue, they can say that they know what repentance and faithfulness and forgiveness look like in the grassy field of marriage, and more importantly, they know the One who is the Giver of it all.

And that really is beautiful.

With love,

Trisha

The Oldest, Friendliest Thing in Anybody's Marriage

The bed is the heart of the home, the arena of love, the seedbed of life, and the one constant point of meeting. It is the place where, night-by-night, forgiveness and fair speech return that the sun may not go down on our wrath; where the perfunctory kiss and the entirely ceremonial pat on the backside become unction and grace. It is the oldest, friendliest thing in anybody's marriage, the first used, the last left, and no one can praise it enough.

~Robert Farrar Capon

The Dense Wife and Mother

A dense wife destroys a situation by the very measures she takes to save it, denying her deepest needs by giving in to her destructive wants. Examples:

~A wife and mother needs a happily thriving home; but may want a career at any cost.

~A wife needs a husband who will be a man, who will lead--not just because she has to obey "another stupid Bible-thingie," but because she really needs it by created design; but she may want to control her husband, to force him to do things her way, no matter what it takes.

~A wife needs to be faithful to her marital covenant and work out her relationship with her husband; but she may want this other man, and thinks that he will meet her needs better than her husband is doing.

~A wife needs to use her tongue to help her husband, to convey God's Word, and not to destroy; but she may want to let her tongue loose cruelly, even though it may tear down her house.

In summary, then, how does she destroy her "house"? She can destroy her husband by betraying him, by degrading and shaming him, by defying him, by withholding her best from him, by unnerving him, by unmanning him, by picking at him until he loses his will to try, until he wants to be anywhere else in the world but with her.

She can destroy her children by neglecting their care in favor of a career, or by indulging and spoiling them (Prov. 29:15--"The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a lad let loose shames his mother" DJP), or by neglecting to teach them the Word by lesson and example.

In these active and passive ways, a dense woman can tear down her house with her own hands.

~Dan Phillips
God's Wisdom in Proverbs, p. 228

25 Years of Half as Hard and Twice as Good

"Every burden I have carried,

Every joy--it's understood.

Life with you is half as hard, 

And twice as good."

~Sara Groves

Beloved,

When we said "I do" 25 years ago today, did we have any idea what we signed up for? I remember the whispers of those who said we'd never last. I remember my Dad wondering how a girl who couldn't even make rice or a pot of coffee was ever going to survive marriage.

You didn't expect to get a wife who was all about herself. You didn't expect to live with a woman who acted more like a girl. I didn't expect to be so homesick or watch so much football or have so many arguments.

Neither one of us expected to have to die to self at every turn. And neither one of us knew what God's amazing grace would do. How God would call you to Himself, and how He would preserve our marriage. How His grace would make us plumb the depths of married love and leave us speechless with wonder.

Neither one of us expected children. Remember my declaration that I didn't want any? And here we are, 25 years later, celebrating the birth of our 9th child. Many think it's plain crazy. I think it's crazy-beautiful, and I marvel at God's kindness in writing such a story as ours. I weep over it all, for I am one undeserving woman, the last I'd choose to be a wife and mother, and yet, God has given me You and Them and this very, very good life of knowing Him.

I have not done you well all the days of our marriage. I have not prayed enough for you or forgiven enough. I have not been thankful enough or honored you enough. And yet, you have loved me for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. 

You love me with a love that runs over. 

A love that remembers how much I love chocolate and salty french fries and ice-cold cokes. 

A love that indulges my affection for pens and paper and books and bookshelves (more bookshelves, please).

 A love that looks at my scars and still sees something beautiful. 

A love that drives hours a day to work hard all day to provide for us. 

A love that aches with me over losses and rejoices with me over blessings. 

A love that never asks, "Just what have you been doing all day?"

A love that defends and forgives and perseveres and pursues and resolves.

A love that delights in nine blessings from the LORD.

A love that leaves me thanking God for His goodness and mercy.

Thank you, my Mountain Man, for making life here on earth half as hard and twice as good.

Happy 25th anniversary! I love you.


***How fitting that this is my 1000th post! :)

If a Woman Makes a List and Goes to Target

If a woman makes a list and goes to Target, she'll go straight to the first item, abandoning all thoughts of a cart because she just knows she's only going to get the two items on the list. She'll pick up her Tums (because she's 35 weeks pregnant) and pat herself on the back for heading straight to the next item.

As she looks for the spices, she'll pass the Coke display and notice the great price. She'll walk back to it and pick up a 12 pack. She then notices the spices were located a few aisles back.

She'll carry her Coke and Tums, never thinking of enjoying the two together, and aim for the curry powder that was on her list. (No, that doesn't cause her reflux because she doesn't eat it.) While walking down the spice aisle, she notices the mini-chocolate chips and is reminded she needs to make scones. She'll pick up two bags and then resolve to get the curry powder and get to the checkout.

While standing at the checkout, she notices the AAA batteries and remembers her three year old needs them for a toy. She adds that to her bounty and checks out.

If You Give a Man a List and Send Him to Target...

He'll get item number 1 and then item number 2, go to the checkout, pay, and leave the store.

If You Send Them Together to the Store with the List...

She'll assure him she only needs two things. He'll still ask her if she needs a cart. She'll confidently say "no" and remind him she only needs two things, completely aware of her reputation of never getting just what's on the list.

She'll ease the pressure she feels to stick to the list and impress him by going straight to the first item, not even stopping at the dollar section. She'll grab the Tums with great sense of direction and purpose. She'll then look for the spices and notice the Coke display. She'll tell him what a great price that is and declare they should pick some up.

She'll grab a 12 pack and then look for the spices, noticing she missed that aisle. She'll head back in the right direction and pass the mini chocolate chips on the way to the curry. As she picks up a couple of bags, she explains that she should make those scones before the baby comes. (she does know her priorities!)

He'll help her find the curry powder, and she'll comment she uses "red" curry. He'll help her find a different jar, and they'll head to the checkout. Meanwhile, she carries everything just to prove that she really didn't need a cart.

While at the checkout, she notices the AAA batteries and grabs a pack. She'll explain they're needed for a toy, and then he'll say he needs some for his headlamp (flashlight), and she'll feel even better about adding one more item that wasn't on the list.

As they leave, he'll smile, not saying a word about carrying several items from a two-item trip, and she'll think of how wonderful it is to have a husband who knows a woman rarely goes to the store and only gets what's on her list.

The End.

Honey, There's Just One More Thing

"The modern woman may be able to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never let him forget he's a man, but too many modern wives expect their husbands to bring home the bacon, clean the fry pan, and never ever get to rest like a man."
~Denise Sproul, Tending Your Garden

Whisked Away

One of the best things my Beloved and I have done for our marriage is to have regular date nights AND occasional getaways. This past weekend we spent time in Taos, NM. It's a lot like Santa Fe...very yucky, icky liberal.

But, like Santa Fe, it has some wonderful bed and breakfast places. And we found a winner! There were times in our South Fork, CO vacation home that I felt I had been flushed away, but this weekend it was a complete feeling of being whisked away. :)

Ladies, this is where the daily faithfulness in child training blesses you greatly. You're able to go away and leave behind trustworthy children. For some of you, this is still years away, but I promise the wait is worth it. You leave having your children's hearts and knowing they are responsible to be without you for a couple of days.

 The door to the left is the entrance to our room. I can't believe I didn't get a picture of the front of the inn.

A lovely stream runs across the front of the property.

There were cozy spots like this everywhere. The front porch had great cushioned places to sit, with blankets nearby.

The detailed carvings on the adobe buildings were beautiful, and this chess set was so lovely and different.

 This was the main room, which included a kiva fireplace AND air conditioning. Oh, how I loved that air conditioning! :)

 From the main room you entered this bathroom. Yes, this entire room is the bathroom.

 Behind that screen is not only the toilet but also a door to a dry steam room. Of course I couldn't enjoy that right now, but my Beloved loved it!

 This is the second fire place in the bathroom. The refrigerator kept food cold and everything was clean! Did I mention that everything was clean?

Isn't this tub amazing? Yes, the hot water actually worked, too. And the towels were plush and clean and so was the bath mat! I was giving this place five stars on everything.

This is the quaint breakfast area where delicious breakfasts were served. Now I'm a very picky eater, so I didn't indulge in much of the fare, but my Mountain Man was enjoying every bite. The first morning they served eggs benedict and blueberry oatmeal, with coffee and tea, of course. The second day's breakfast included eggs, southwestern style grits (hot with green chile), biscuits and gravy, and a yogurt-cucumber dish.

We forgot the tripod, so my Beloved set the camera up on one of those tall candlesticks you see in the background.

We toured the Kit Carson museum (my hubby is a Mountain Man!), the Gov. Bent museum, and the Earth Ship site. We enjoyed walking around the main shopping square in Taos, which even had a delightful (though very liberally biased) bookstore called Moby Dickens.

The name of the Inn? Adobe and Pines Bed and Breakfast. You'll want to know that if you ever visit Taos. Of course, if you're that close, you'd better come say "hello!" and break bread with us.

We came home quite refreshed to welcoming children who had the house looking spotless. There was even a meal plan posted on the fridge. Has Ink ever mentioned that he likes to cook? :)

Thanks be to God for His kind mercies during this trip and the great memories we made!

With love,
Trisha

The Super Men

It's my Beloved's birthday, today. Thus, it's most fitting to share again the blessing of being married to a super-man. Perhaps you have one, too. Let him know why he's so super, and remember to thank God for such a smiling providence.

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My Superman.

No, he doesn't have a history of leaping over tall buildings or stopping trains with his bare hands.

But he has been known to travel miles for me. When we were dating, my Superman would drive through icy snow and pouring rains to be with me. In our early years of marriage, he'd drive miles for just a weekend stay so that I could visit my family. When my Dad was dying, my Superman drove to VA while I flew, left the next day for D.C., and then drove back a couple days later to take me home. Have I mentioned that he drives hours a day to and from work? And last August he flew to Salt Lake City to spend a bit of time with Michele and David AND to escort me home. Not only did we get home faster, but everything seemed ok just knowing he was at the wheel.

My Superman has comforted me through losing those precious babies we never got to see this side of heaven, and he's encouraged me when we were welcoming new blessings into this world. He's never made me eat hospital food after giving birth, always making runs to whatever eatery my heart desired. He's the one who would bring me endless saltines and apple juice, with extra ice, please, after I came alive from the medicine-induced nausea and fogginess that come with c-sections. He's the one who, twice now, has escorted me to the doctor, catheter attached from a complication with a c-section, doing his best to help me maintain a bit of dignity. "Um, could you take her back now, so she doesn't have to sit in a waiting room with her pee on display?" (Well, he said it more tactfully...)

He was at my side when I found out I have Crohn's Disease. He's endured the complications and been my hands and feet when I couldn't walk across the room or even change a diaper. He's loved when when my face was puffed up from steroids, and the only beauty in the room was the tender care he has for me.

He was at my side when I needed to have skin cancer removed from my nose. He was the one who removed the bandage to see something much more horrible than even he had imagined. He never let on that things looked so bad or so botched. He was the one who listened to my cries when I saw the damage for the first time.

My Superman does crazy things for me like making sure I don't get wet in a rainstorm or get blown over in a windstorm (more importantly, don't get my hair mussed up.) :) He'll drive miles in search of a hot chocolate or an Icee for me, or drive an hour so I can taste Krispy Kreme donuts.

He's the one who tells me I'm getting "smaller" all the time, even though I know the scale still shows those same numbers. He tells me he's proud of me when I manage to puff away while attempting a 2 mile jog. He praises my cooking and takes me on dates that usually include a trip to the bookstore.

He never calls me "dude." (Yes, I heard a guy call his girl that the other day. Yikes! What kind of men are we raising?) He opens the door for me. He wouldn't think of making me load the car after shopping at Costco. He's faithful and dependable.

He brings me chocolate.

I've been called "spoiled" because my Superman does some of these things for me.But I think every married woman longs for the kind of man who daily makes sacrifices for her, who rolls out the red carpet for her every day. 

Perhaps your Superman cooks for you or cleans the kitchen. Maybe he makes a lot of money, and you never have to think about your budget when you spend. Maybe he gives you back rubs or puts gas in the car for you. Maybe he cares for you as you suffer from a chronic illness. Perhaps he brings you coffee in the morning or reads to you at night.

While there are a lot of Jokers out there, lots of us have Supermen. What would yours do if you let him know he's one? You know..."101 Ways You're My Superman," or if that's just something you can't bring yourself to write, how about, "101 Ways You Spoil Me Every Day."

Your Superman looks different from mine. None of them are perfect. But for many of them (not all, I know!), these kindnesses and sacrifices are their attempts to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

So when we notice a man doing something loving for his wife, even if we think it's just plain over the top, instead of voicing thoughts of a green-eyed monster, let's rejoice instead that we have husbands who love us just as well, though differently.

If you're a woman of few words (do they exist?), then you could simply get your Superman one of these, presented full of his favorite coffee.

I'm sure he'd get the message, loud and clear.

With love,

Trisha

Happy Birthday, my Beloved! I love you!

24

Twenty-four years ago today, a bratty young woman married the man of her dreams. Little did she know that marriages aren't made of fairy tales but instead are wholly dependent on the grace of God.

Little did she know that true love does not seek its own. Instead,true love covers a multitude of sins. It's not pouty or selfish. It's others-focused.

It slays SELF daily and serves with joy. It hopes when there seems to be no hope. It gives kind words in the midst of anger. 

True love remembers its vows, in sickness or in health, in hard times and in good. True love doesn't walk away.  It says "yes" when it wants to say "no." It keeps going when it wants to quit. 

True love has staying power.

True love grows in the soil of affliction. It gets stronger roots with every offense forgiven and every mercy poured out from God. It strengthens with every thanks-giving.

True love keeps its eyes fixed on Christ and not the circumstances.

These past 24 years of married life are a magnificent display of God's mercies and His grace. Where would we be if God had given us what we deserve? 

Instead God humbled us with a deeper love for Him, a deeper love for each other, and eleven (eight here with us) precious blessings. 

"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it.."

Psalm 27:1

May God bless us with many more years of growing in love and His grace!

The Not-So-Perfect Marriage

I'm writing at Daily On My Way to Heaven about marriage.  My friend, Becky, is a Proverbs 31 woman who points to Him in everything she writes.  Take a look at her blog and be blessed.

Love,