Mother Hunger and 20 Ways We Create It

"As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you..."

~Isaiah 66:13

Mother hunger. That longing for those affections that only a mother can give. Sometimes we don't even have words for it. We just know it's there.

Mother hunger is nothing new. As long as our sinful natures have been tempting us to find satisfaction in most anything except the duty God has set before us, there has been mother hunger. Our mothers might not have battled spending too much time on Facebook or responding like a Pavlovian dog to answer a cell phone every time it rang, but they might have been tempted to talk on the phone or invest in friendships at the cost of family life. Distractions are nothing new; we're just offered more choices as they take on different forms with each generation.

Here's a haunting description of mother hunger by Ingrid Trobisch:

"One summer evening when I was about twelve, I remember helping mother take down the clean dry sheets from a line strung between a hickory tree and two oaks in our backyard. All at once she stopped between sheets, put her arms around me, and gave me a squeeze. Her open expression of affection felt so good it took me by surprise. Later, when Mother and I were separated by continents, I was often warmed by the scent of fresh linens that brought the memory of her hug.

My mother surely never knew the depth of my mother-hunger. I can only wonder if I realized the depth of her affection. A process of inner healing has to take place for those who feel they've been kept at arm's distance. The expressions of love we long for from our mothers may never materialize in our lifetime."

Let's count some of the ways we keep our children at arm's distance and often create a gulf between our hearts and theirs.

1) Having favorites among our children
2) Being physically absent much of the time
3) Not confessing our sins against our children and asking for forgiveness
4) Often breaking promises
5) Putting friends, ministry, hobbies, talents, etc. before home
6) Not looking our children in the eye when speaking to them
7) Belittling their concerns or troubles
8) Being sharp-tongued and harsh
9) Pushing away their offers of affection and ignoring their need for affection
10) Treating babies like hands-off science projects to be manipulated instead of souls to be shaped
11) Being constantly distracted, noted by saying, "Uh-huh" or "Just a minute" way too much
12) Not communicating love to our children in their favorite ways--i.e. games, back scratches, gifts, reading books, etc.
13) Failing to protect them--in abusive situations and even from the everyday garbage on television and the internet
14) Reminding our children of all that we gave up to be a mother and/or to be at home with them
15) Mothering all of our children in the same way--no such thing as cookie-cutter children!
16) Often saying, "I'm busy right now, " or "We'll do it later," but then never really doing it
17) Habitually expressing criticism and disappointment instead of affirmation
18) Failing to celebrate them in the everyday and on special occasions
19) Viewing them as interruptions or inconveniences
20) Neglecting alone time with them

No, mothers cannot fill that God-shaped hole in their children's lives. But God did give children mothers for a reason. He gave us this magnificent duty of shaping souls for eternity, for His glory, and we don't have to feed on distractions that end up leaving a void in our children's lives. What hope there is in knowing that God will give us all we need to mother intentionally! His grace is sufficient! And the Holy Spirit will keep us in check when we're tempted to let distractions keep us from being there for our children. He will remind us when we need to repent. But we must be paying attention! And because distractions are a lifelong battle, let it be our prayer to be present mind, body, and spirit, for our children and take seriously the sobering and joy-filled task of training them up in the way they should go.

For those who know this mother hunger, God's grace is sufficient for this, too! He comforts us and brings healing to those childhood hurts. But let's not let our knowledge of the grace of God cause us to abuse it in our own lives, dismissing the value of a mother's love and work. Let us be there wholeheartedly for our children and know well the state of our flocks.

"No one can ever replace you in your children's lives. For them, you are the sun, the moon, the whole universe. You are your children's only mother, and if you are too often absent, harried, or preoccupied, they may yearn for you all of their lives."
~Brenda Hunter


With love,
Trisha