Six Things That Surprised Me About Parenting Teens

Our oldest son turns 18 on Friday. Yes, his fingerprints on the wall have become fingerprints on the keyboard, as he faithfully slings the ink, the words, that leave me in wonder at the gifts God has given him.

I would love to go back to day one of becoming a Mom and know then what I know now. But I take much comfort in God's perfect pacing of my sanctification, and His wisdom and sovereign care in writing our stories.

Yet, navigating the often turbulent teen years has surprised me in quite a few ways. I expected much, but here are a few things I didn't know:

1) We'd really disagree about music and other stuff: I remember the arguments my parents had with some of my siblings over music. And rightly so. Much of the music was offensive and dishonoring to the Lord. But I just knew our children would like the same music we did and agree with us about everything else. When I realized this wasn't true, and yet, our children still honored the Lord in their choices, I stopped taking our differences personally, and began to enjoy learning from my sons.

2) It could be so hard that I would be tempted to employ the silent treatment, and other passive-aggressive soul-starving methods of non-communication: Yes. There have been times that butting heads has felt like clashing hearts, with a pain and frustration so intense that I didn't think I could bear it. Those are moments that leave you with more questions than answers and drive you to your knees as almost nothing else can. I'm grateful the Holy Spirit kept me from letting the sun go down on my wrath and has kept our hearts tender towards one another.

3) We would enjoy each other's company and talk with one another so openly: I heard so much about the teen years being that time when children shut down and shut you out, but I'm thankful to God that I have teenagers who can't stop telling me about what they're reading and learning, who let me know when I have a log in my eye, who tell me when I'm parenting inconsistently, who want to know my opinion, who make me laugh, who like being with me.

4) Perfection doesn't appear at 16, but neither does rebellion. I will be the first to tell you to teach your children first-time obedience early on. "Obedience is all the way, right away, and with a happy spirit." This is exactly what I tell our younger children. Somewhere along the way, influenced by books and other teachings, I began to equate obedience and maturity with perfection. But our children will not leave our homes perfectly sanctified. They're still pilgrims-on-the-way, just like we are. They're growing in grace, just like we are. Yet, it's easy to hold them to a different standard as we forget our own ongoing sanctification.

5) There would be so much grace and forgiveness: Satan often whispers to me in those moments when I've blown it again to just give up repenting (since I have to do it so often) and move on. Or my pride rises up and wants to justify my fleshly responses.  BUT, years of asking forgiveness and repenting before my children for having sinned against them and our God, has reaped a most beautiful only-by-the-grace-of-God thing--they do it, too. The Holy Spirit is at work in them, convicting them of sin and moving them to keep short accounts. And, oh, the GRACE they extend to me...it's simply overwhelming at times.

6) There would always be more to learn: No matter how many years you've been parenting, the learning never stops. The only thing I'm an expert at is knowing that godly parenting can't be confined to a method. Rather, it rests on His wisdom and grace and the manna that doesn't come years in advance, but rather day by day.

I have many more teen years to parent through. No doubt it will be hard. There will be more tears, and even more prayers. There will be disappointments and heartaches and perhaps many changes. But He is faithful, His mercies are new every morning, His grace is sufficient, and He has promised to finish the good work He has started in us. Thanks be to God!

With love,
Trisha