The Experiment Part 2: The Results

Last week I mentioned an experiment that our family was doing related to self-control over the tongue. (Read previous post for details.) What started out as an assignment for Little Big Man turned into a family event, and the experience has been quite illuminating and definitely worthwhile. I kept a journal and recorded thoughts at the end of each day. At the end of the first day, I also had each of our children give me their thoughts.

Day 1: "Wow! I'm amazed at how much more peaceful our home was today. I haven't raised my voice once, and I've noticed a dramatic (at least 75%) reduction in fighting among the children. Why can't I be motivated by God's presence alone to show such self-control?"

Here are anonymous quotes from the children about day 1.
"I've noticed I've been kinder to Boo and Little Bit today."

"It's caused me to watch my speech more, and I've noticed I haven't fought as much today."

"I have more beans than M&Ms, which means that I've said more ugly words than kind words."

"I've noticed a reduction in fighting, and I didn't yell at all."

Day 2: "It seems we more easily focus on the unkind words that others speak rather than the edifying ones. We need to listen more for the positive words that come from one another. Fighting is still greatly reduced."

Day 3: "In the a.m., we're all ready to dump beans in our jars and be done. It was a morning of "growly bug" infestations. However, later in the day, things greatly improved, and the children were still getting along much better. Confirmed what's always been said.....Mom sets the tone for the home and complaining is contagious."

Day 4: "We're discovering it's hard to be consistent. We're not continuing to actively listen to one another's speech. Some of the children don't think they're being listened to at all.....a result of looking at the jars and seeing one bean and nothing else. :( Also, are we just putting things in jars without dealing with confession and repentance? Are we grieved to see the "tearing down" words outweigh the words of edification?"

Day 5: "One of the children is so elated that he/she has more M&Ms than beans! Mom...well, she just blew it."

Day 6: "We're still struggling to be faithful in filling the jars, but there is a much greater awareness among us all regarding what's being said and how we're saying it. We often hear someone starting to speak, pausing, and then saying something wiser and kinder."

Day 7: "We need to focus on the positive words that each of us speaks and not just zero in on the unkind words. I'm especially proud of one child who really struggles in this area. He/She has been amazingly intentional , really trying to watch his/her tone and what he/she says. I remind him/her that self-control over our tongues is a daily battle that we can only fight by the power of the Holy Spirit but that being aware of the struggle is half of the battle won already."

Mountain Man and I are currently reading through The Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo (highly recommended!), and the author describes communication as a pie composed of three slices..
1) what we say
2) how we say it (some experts think this is 7x more powerful than what we say)
3) body language

So, when we did this experiment, we focused on all three of those aspects of our communication. We discovered that our biggest struggle is how we say things, which includes whining, complaining, sarcasm, harshness, etc. The jars were a powerful picture of the power of the tongue. It wasn't pleasant to count at the end of each day and realize unkind words outnumber the kind. Nor is it painless to see the ease with which we can get careless with our speech, tearing down, whether with our tone or with our specific words, the very ones God has put us together with to love.

And, of course, I realize an experiment alone doesn't change our speech, but neither does just praying about it and expecting God to instantly give us self-control over our tongues. In other words, we must be intentional about this area if it is a struggle for us. That's exactly what this experiment did. It helped us be intentional about using our speech for the glory of God rather than for the satisfaction of the flesh. Little Big Man reminded me that since it takes about three weeks to develop a habit, we should perhaps continue the experiment for that time. I think he might be right.

"Set a watch, O LORD, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips." Psalm 141:3

"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." Ephesians 4:29