When You Have to Look AND See

It was exactly what I feared would happen. When the doctor decided to change her approach to treating my surgery wound and have me apply what's called "Second Skin" to my nose without anything else, I immediately said, "Won't that take off the graft?" "I've considered that," she replied. "And it is a possibility."

When the wound began to ooze beyond the bandage, I was to put a new one on. Sure enough, that next morning it began to happen. (I hadn't even had the bandage on 24 hours, and the doctor was hoping it would stay on for at least 2 days before I had to change it.) My Beloved was asleep, and I knew I was going to have to do this myself. I carefully removed the "second skin" and was horrified. I was. The wound was not what I expected to see and was worse than I had hoped. Even more disturbing... I knew that when the bandage came off so did the graft.

I wish I could say that I remained completely calm, gently asking my Beloved if I had actually pulled off the graft, but I didn't "keep it together, man!" (to quote one of my children's favorite lines from Monsters, Inc.) I hysterically woke up my Beloved, showing him the bandage and asking him if that was the graft. He's trying to understand what I'm saying as he wakes up, having no idea what's going on or why I'm so upset.

Up to this point, my Beloved had protected me. I hadn't had to look at my incision site once. He lovingly changed the bandage each day, assuring me that things were looking better or that it wasn't as bad as I was imagining. He did the looking and the seeing for me, but that morning, I had to do it myself, and the reality was painful. I wept sorely over it, and it truly made me sick to my stomach. Thankfully, one of the first thoughts the Holy Spirit brought to mind as I cried so heartily over this fleshly wound was, "Is this how deeply you grieve over your sin?" He then reminded me that this "looking and seeing" was exactly what had been going on quite intensely in our home for the past few weeks, and why, though very painful, it was such a blessing.

Some of our children had been going through a "purging" of sorts. The Holy Spirit was putting their sin in front of them, and they were having to look at it and see it for what it was. Rightly so, they were disturbed and grieved. My days consisted of , "Mommy, I need to tell you something..." and, after the initial few times, I began to selfishly get frustrated as well as discouraged. I was feeling the weight of their confessions, for it was painful to hear them confess sin and to weep over it and to see just what sinners they are. (Not that I didn't already know that, but such confessions are an impressive picture of just how the grace of God restrains us and how determined Satan is to destroy and defeat our children. It was a painful reminder of how pervasive sin is even in the hearts of our precious children. We don't have to have an outside influence waiting to make us sin because the lusts of the flesh are already there, just waiting to be fed.)

Yet, I had been praying for these very confessions. One specific prayer was that no deceit would be found in our children, and here, God in His infinite mercy, was emptying them of such deceit for we deceive ourselves when we don't see sin as sin. Thus, God changed my perspective, and I began to rejoice over their tender hearts, reminding our children that this was the work of the Spirit in their lives, and what a blessing it is to see our sin for what it is. Only then can we truly repent and turn away from it. It was a joy to remind them of the boundless forgiveness of Christ Jesus and the fact that He understands their sins and struggles. He knows their hearts and has compassion on them.

However, just as my Beloved could tell me about my wound and try to make me understand what it looked like, I can tell my children they're sinners all the days of their lives, trying to get them to understand sin as God sees it. Yet, just as my Beloved couldn't really make me see the wound for what it was because I refused to look at it, I can't make my children see their sin for what it is...only the Holy Spirit can do that work. No matter what my Beloved told me, I had to see things for myself, just as my children have to see their sins with their own eyes, and as God providentially arranged the time when I finally had to look at and see this fleshly wound I have, the Holy Spirit, in His time, worked in the hearts of my children to expose secret sinful thoughts and deeds.

This is not to say that the children haven't repented of sin before or haven't ever understood what sin is, but this was the Holy Spirit bringing them to a revelation of sin independent of Mommy and Daddy pointing things out to them, as well as His cementing in their hearts the realization that nothing can be hid from God. As painful as it was and is, I want them to always rejoice when God convicts them of sin. What a comforting confirmation that we belong to Jesus, and He is faithfully working in us.

God made me and them take a look and see things for what they are. It was hard, but it was a beautiful display of God's mercy and His grace. God used my wound to remind me that I'm often more concerned about my flesh than my heart (ouch!), and God used their sins to show them more and more how much they need Jesus, how deceitful our hearts can be, how much Satan wants to defeat us, how they can always share anything and everything with Mommy and Daddy, how some things are sin and some things are simply childish acts, and how vast the love and forgiveness of God are.

This fleshly wound of mine can be covered with a bandage, and for now, it has to be, but the only remedy for my children's sin and for my own as well as anyone else's is the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Praise God that He has not left us to look and see our sin and be without remedy! Praise God for the gift of His Salvation!